It's Happy Valentine's Day for the lucky wanted ones , but how about the unwanted ones? I'd actually never thought about how they might feel on February 14--did you? It's a depressing thought, which I might never have had if the title of one of my recent books from Eternal Press wasn't UNWANTED.
My book takes Ella, a virgin librarian who happens to have red hair and green eyes on a strange journey. She hasn't felt particulary unwanted on Earth, though she's never yet found a man she's been willing to give herself to--body and soul. But when her old Beemer with its bare tires skids during a thunderstorm in the Sierras, she's about to discover just how unwanted she can be elsewhere.
When the car skids off the cliff, she tries to jump out before it goes over, but fails. Since she's out of the car, which smashes down the mountain side, she's lucky enough to fall through one of Earth's gates and begins drifting down into the Underworld. This Underworld has nothing to do with Satan, simply being an alternate world connected by shfting gates to other alternate worlds such as Earth.
Unfortunately, she isn't so lucky about the country she falls into. In this land, red-haired females with green eyes are considered to be evil witches who will doom the kingdom and, therefore, are killed on sight.
Prince Stavos, heir to the throne, is pounding away from the palace on his mount, furious at his father, the king. Why? Because the king wants his son to marry a princess neither of them has ever seen, just to cement a union between his country and hers. Stavos knows he must marry some day, but intends to choose his own bride when that day comes. This proposition is intolerable. In his anger, he doesn't realize he's entered a verboten area that's best avoided.
When he sees something floating down from above, he pulls up short, understanding he's strayed into the bad area. But his curiosity keeps him there until the body falls to earth and lays still. At closer range he sees it's a young women--but, horrors, she has red hair! He hops off his mount and pulls his sword free, ready to rid his country of this menace...
Does he kill her? Would there be a story if he does? Of course not. So what prevents him?
So our unlucky heroine, Ella, is not killed on sight. But if the prince doesn't kill her, the next native of this land who sees her surely will. Impossible situation--right?
I think writers must enjoy writing themselves into a corner and then having to figure a reasonable way out because we all do it time after time. Maybe that's part of the fun of telling ourselves a new story, because that's what each of us is doing, time after time. Doesn't matter if we're pantser or plotter, each time we do it the story is new to us. All we need to do is make it reasonable to other readers.
Sounds easy? Most of the time it's not. It's that "reasonable" business that makes it hard.
All this doesn't solve the problem on Earth's unwanted of Valentine's Day--so how about calling someone you know may not be a lucky wanted one and inviting them somewhere for coffee or a drink? That's what I'm going to do.
How does Unwanted turn out? You can check my webiste for an except and buy link: http://www.JaneToombs.com or leave a comment and maybe be the lucky winner of a download.
Jane
Monday, February 14, 2011
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Posted on April 22, by Tom Bradwell were what appears to be his predictions (in italics). I have reviewed them, pirating his format I offer a parody with comments as to how I believe this Philadelphia Eagles season will unfold.
Sunday, September 12 Green Bay 4:15 p.m. WIN
Opening the regular season at home against a Green Bay Packer team that went 11-5 last year should be a real test for QB Kevin Kolb, and the Eagles offense. The Packer defensive unit is solid and QB Aaron Rodgers is the real deal. Prediction: Eagles 17 Packers 20
1. SCORE TOO LOW... 45-44 WOULD BE MORE LIKE IT...THE GAME WILL LATER BE NAMED THE AIR SHOW...AND TALKED ABOUT FOR MANY YEARS...THE NIGHT THE LIGHTS WENT OUT ON McNABB
2. KOLB AND RODGERS BOTH THROW FOR OVER 400 YARDS
3. AS ANTICIPATED THIS MIGHT BE A VERY EMOTIONAL GAME FOR ALL BIRDS TO PROVE REID/KOLB THE RIGHT MOVE...FANS ERUPT WITH JOY...THEIR HATRED FOR #5 APTLY VALIDATED
4. AFTER A SCORE, DeSEAN JACKSON, AS IF A FEMALE GYMNAST FLIPS ONTO THE CROSSBAR, DANCES, DISMOUNTS WITH A FRONT SOMERSAUT, RECIEVING SCORES OF 9.3, 9.3 AND 8.1 FROM THE RUSSIAN JUDGE...FLAGGED...FINES FOLLOWED...WAS SENT TO REID'S WOODSHED
5. WINSTON JUSTICE REPEATEDLY DECLEATS RYAN PICKETT WHO REPLACED THE DRUG BURDENED AND SEASON SUSPENDED JOHNNY JOLLY...THE ONCE DT NOW PLAYING DE BEGGED TO BE BACK ACROSS FROM THOSE SMALLER GUARDS...HE THREW ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS WITH HIS REPLACEMENT B.J. RAJI...GOT BEAT AGAIN...SORRY DUDE
6. A.J. HAWK TRIED TO TACKLE CORNELIUS INGRAM WHICH RESEMBLED A SCENE FROM LORD OF THE RINGS WHERE A HOBBIT FIGHTS AN ORCS...OH WHAT A MERRY HOBBIT HAWK APPEARED...INGRAM WAS ANNOUNCING HE HAD ARRIVED
7. CHAD HALL WHO FILLED THE LAST ROSTER SPOT AS A BACK-UP PUNT RETURNED, KICK-OFF RETURNER, RUNNING BACK AND SLOT RECIEVER...GOT FOUR PLAYS IN THE GAME...ALL FOUR WERE HUGE...ONE INCREDIBLE EXAMPLE WAS WHEN HANK BASKETT FUMBLED THE BALL, IT RECOVERED BY NICK BARNETT AND HALL HITS HIM WITH A MYTHBUSTER BIGGER THAN NEEDED TACKLE CAUSES THE BALL TO EXPLOID FROM BARNETT'S GRASP...HALL RECOVERS IT AND SCAMPERS WITHOUT A SHOE AND HELMET (LOST IN HIT) THIRTY-SEVEN YARDS
8. THE STADIUM IS FILLED WITH CHEESESTEAK HEADS...BIRD BRAINS...FINATICAL FANS...FAR TOO LOUD AND FAR TO TIPSY (4:15 START)...JEFF LURIE TEXT MESSAGES JOE BANNER...BRING BACK THE COURT
9. DEFENSE WINS THE GAME...BOTH Ds WILL BE FAIR...BUT THE SPEED OF THE EAGLES IS BETTER
10. EVIL GLARES ARE SHOT FROM ANDY REID TO SEAN McDERMOTT...IMPLYING MEETING TO FOLLOW
11. SEAN McDERMOTT CRAWLS IN THE FACE OF DARRYL TAPP...TAPP HAS THREE SECOND HALF SACKS
12. FIVE LATE-HIT PENALTIES ARE CHARGED AGAINST THE BIRDS...RODGERS WALKS OFF BENT-OVER
13. REID SCREAMS AT McDERMOTT WHO GETS TERRELL OWENS-LIKE IN THE HEAD COACH'S FACE
14. STANDS EXPLOID WITH CHEERS AND BOOS...FIGHTS FOLLOW...IT WAS HEARD STATED BY NUMEROUS FANS, "THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER!"... THE KID COACH BECAME A MAN
15. AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT THE DEFENSE GELS...NOT ANOTHER POINT IS SCORED BY GREEN BAY
16. EAGLES WIN IN A SHOOT-OUT...HOW...WITH A PICK 6 TO WIN IT...ASSANTE SAMUELS HIGH-STEPS IN
17. REID IS ASKED ABOUT THE CONFRONTATION...HE QUIPS, "I SHOULD FIRE HIS COCKY ARSE!"
18. SEEING OPPORTUNITY AND IN A PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE...GARY COBB APPLIES FOR THE COACHING JOB
19. RESUME IS RETURNED TO SENDER...ADDRESS UNKNOWN...NO SUCH ADDRESS...NO SUCH ZONE
20. SEAN McDERMOTT SPURNS THE PRESS WITH A ZIPPED-LIP GESTURE AND DOES NOT SPEAK ALL YEAR
21. OUTRAGE HITS THE MEDIA AIRWAYS...RATINGS BEGIN TO RISE...CONTROVERSY SELLS COFFEE
22. ESPN TALKING HEADS PUBLICALLY SPANK REID AND McDERMOTT...MIKE GOLIC APPLAUDS BIRDS
23. MIKE GREENBERG AND GOLIC BUTT HEADS...GREENBERG GETS HUFFY...GOLIC GETS UP...GREENBERG RUNS FROM SET...ATTORNEY'S ARE NEGOTIATING THE CONSTRUCTION OF A SCREEN BETWEEN THEM...TEMPORARILY A SECURITY FORCE MONITORS THE SET OF THE SHOW
24. PRIOR TO THE FIRST GAME ANDY REID PLEDGED TO PROVIDE THREE CHEESESTEAKS WIT PER POINT SCORED, GIVEN TO FOOD MISSIONS...JILLIAN MICHAELS CALLS THAT AN OUTRAGE...GENOS AND PAT'S SUE HER FOR DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER...SHE LAWYERS UP AND IS DROPPED FROM THE CAST OF THE BIGGEST LOSER
Sunday, September 19 at Detroit 1 p.m. WIN
The Detroit Lions lost 14 games last year and have yet to demonstrate the competitive will to win. This will be a bounce back-game for the Eagles. Prediction: Eagles 30 Lions 17
1. SEAN McDERMOTT IS GIVEN A CONTRACT EXTENSION...REID WINKS
2. GAME IS CLOSER TO 24-14...FRICKEN BIRDS ARE PLAYING TO THE COMPOTITION...RADIO TALK SHOW HOSTS ARE SUDDENLY SLAPPED HAPPY ...THE NEGATIVE NELLIES CAN USE THAT FODDER...IN A RELATED INCIDENT RHEA HUGHES GETS INTO A FIGHT IN THE STANDS...SHE IS SEEN HEAD BUTTING A FAN WEARING A MIKE MANULA JERSEY...SHE LATER JUSTIFIED HER ACT THAT HE WAS ASKING FOR IT...A CIVIL SUIT WAS FILED ON BEHEST OF ALL MANULA JERSEY OWNERS
3. MATTHEW STAFFORD WENT 5-31...IN A CARTOONISH MOMENT HE WAS HIT SO HARD ON ONE TACKLE THERE WAS NOTICEABLE IMPRINT LEFT ON THE GROUND...THE HITTER...ASSANTE SAMEUL
4. 14 POINTS OF DETROIT ARE BOTH PICK-6s...OUCH...I TOLD YOU SO IS HEARD IN ECHOES ACROSS THE DELAWARE VALLEY...THAT COMPLAINT STARTED BY G. COBB
5. MARTY MORNHINWEG AND REID GET INTO A SHOUTING MATCH...AMIDST MAJOR BELLY BUMPING AND FLYING FINGERS REID SNATCHES THE GAME-PLAN CLIPBOARD...MORNHINWEG RIPS IT BACK...ALL PLAYERS RETREAT TWO PACES FROM THE ACTION...LINE JUDGE FLAGGED THEM... REID THREW HIS RED FLAG COUNTERING THEIR CALL...AGAIN HE WAS OVER-TURNED...LATER CHEESEBURGERS WILL BE SHARED
6. (NOTE: THE AFOREMENTIONED WERE THE LAST PICK-6s OF THE SEASON)
7. STARTING 0-7 KEVIN KOLB TURNS EFFICIANT... ENDS WITH 69% COMPLETION RATE...LESEAN McCOY AND LEONARD WEAVER LEAD THE WAY WITH THEIR BLOCKING...BALL IS SPREAD AROUND LIKE MELTED CHEESE ON A GRILLED SANDWICH...ELEVEN DIFFERENT PLAYERS HAVE A CATCH
8. BRENT CELEK SCORES...FREEZES INTO THE CAPTAIN MORGAN POSE...(NOTE HE MADE A DEAL WITH CAPTAIN MORGAN OVER THE SUMMER...THEY WILL PAY ANY FINES) FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
9. THE SHARK IN THE WATER, ERNIE SIMS, SHINES AND FEEDS...INT OR SACK...MAYBE BOTH...BOTH...THE STADIUM STARTS USING THE JAWS MUSIC TO SPIRIT SIMS ACCOMPLISHMENTS
10. DEFENSE SCORES...A FUMBLE RECOVERY AND RUN BY ELLIS HOBBS...HE DOES THE SQUAT AND KICK RUSSIAN DANCE...FLAGGED...FINED...HE'S SENT TO REID'S WOODSHED...HOBBS IS NICKNAMED THE BLACK RUSSIAN BY HUGH DOUGLAS
11. SPECIAL TEAMS SHINE...KNOCKING OUT THREE DETROIT PLAYERS...HITS ARE QUESTIONABLE DIRTY BUT THE COMMENTATORS GO ON AND ON...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
12. MEDIA QUESTIONS IN THE SUBSEQUENT WEEK ARE THE BIRDS DIRTY?...WAS THAT RHETORICAL ...THE FACTS WILL PROVE OUT THAT THESE BIRDS ARE FOCUSED TO PLAY JUST OVER THE EDGE OF THE RULES...DOES THAT MAKE THEM DIRTY?
13. COACH BOBBY APRIL ANTICIPATING THE FLACK STORM AND REFUSES TO SPEAK TO THE MEDIA...MEDIA TURNS HUFFY...MARK ECKEL IS REMOVED...HE SHIN KICKS SECURTY...HE IS TASED... THE FILM OF THE FLOPPING FISH BODY OF ECKEL BECOMES A POPULAR VIRAL VIDEO
14. MARTY MORNHINWEG ALSO REFUSES TO SPEAK TO THE MEDIA...WHY...HE WAS BUSY DEVOURING A CHEESE STEAK WIT...MEDIA, WHILE WAITING, TURNS HUFFY...PAUL DOMOWITZ IS MOVED TO THE REAR OF THE ROOM...HE POUTS...NO ONE NOTICED
15. REID, AT THE MANDITORY POST-GAME INTERVIEW, REPLIES..."TIME IS YOURS" NEVER ANSWERING A SINGLE QUESTION...USING EXPRESSIONS LIKE, WE'LL SEE...I DON'T KNOW...IT MIGHT HAPPEN...CAN'T SAY...I'LL LOOK INTO IT...ETC....MEDIA GETS HUFFY...LES BOWEN IS REMOVED, BEING DUG FROM THE ROOM SHOUTING FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS...STILL NOT ANSWERED
16. KOLB IS ASKED ABOUT THE PICK-6s, HE REPLIES, IS RE-ASKED, REPLIES, AND IS RE-ASKED... AND HE STEVE CARLTON'S VOWING NEVER TO DEAL WITH THE MEDIA AGAIN...REPEATEDLY FINED BY THE LEAGUE...CAPTAIN MORGAN OFFERS TO PAY THE FINES...IF...KOLB LEARNS THE POSE
17. T-SHIRTS ARE MADE AND THE PLAYERS BEGIN TO WEAR THEM...LOGO: DIRTY BIRD SHAT HAPPENS
18. SAL PAOLANTONIO LEAKS THE STORY ABOUT THE T-SHIRTS AND IS BARRED FROM THE EAGLES LOCKER ROOM FOR THE SEASON...HE WHINES PUBLICALLY...NO ONE CARES
19. JON DORENBOS CUTS A DEAL WITH SLIMFAST DOING HIS MAGIC...THE CATCH LINE IS SLIMFAST CAN MAKE IT DISAPPEAR...ANDY REID SIE-EYES HIM WHILE MORNHINGWEG HAIRY-EYES...BOTH ARE OFFENDED...DORENBOS USES THE RESIDUALS TO BUY CHEESSTEAKS TO BE ADDED TO REID'S CHARITY...WOODSHEDING IS OVERTED
Sunday, September 26 at Jacksonville 4:05 p.m. WIN
This will be the Eagles second straight away game against a team with a losing record in 2009. Jacksonville Jaguars does have a solid defense when healthy, but the Eagles are simply too good. Prediction: Eagles 24 Jaguars 13
1. MORNHINWEG IS GIVEN A CONTRACT EXTENSION...CELEBRATES WITH CARBOHYDRATE OVERDOSE
2. LIKE THE SCORE...SORTA...MORE LIKE 31-13...POSSIBLY 38-13...YUP 41-10
3. McCOY HAS A HUGE GAME...SPIKES A PLAYER (PLANTS A CLEAT IN THEIR BELLY) DURING A NIFTY RUN...FIGHT ERUPTS...DURING THE SCUFFEL SHADY DEFINDS THE GENESIS OF HIS NAME WITH A KNEE TO THE NARDS...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
4. JASON PETERS SEEING THE FIGHT SPRINTS TO HELP, YUP, SPRINTS, THUMPS THAT JACKSONVILLE PLAYER WITH A RUNNING SLAM EYE-POPPING TACKLE...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
5. RUN GAME SPONTANEOUSLY EMERGES...McCOY LEFT...RETURNED AFTER PEEING...CHARLES SCOTT OVER THE MIDDLE...BELL RIGHT...WEAVER IS TOSSED FROM THE GAME FOR A DOUBLE ARM FLING OF THEIR WILL LB...HIS REVERENT LICENSE IS SUSPENDED BARRING REVIEW... FINED... WOODSHED...WHY THE RUNNING SUCCESS...PETERS HAD STOOD IN THE OFFENSIVE HUDDLE AND STATED, "THEIR ARSE IS GRASS AND I'M THE MOWER!" KOLB TRYING TO LAUGH POPPED A SNOT BUBBLE...PETERS MOWS THE JACKSONVILLE LAWN...LATER EVERYONE CALLED HIM THE LAWNMOWER MAN...ON A RELATED NOTE MAURICE JONES-DREW TWEETS HIS AGENT AND ASKS FOR A TRADE TO PHILLIE
6. TWO QUICK TDs BY THE EAGLES IN THE AIR...MACLIN AND AVANT...THEN THEY RUN THE GAME OUT...BEHIND PETERS AND TODD HERREMANS...BEHIND THE ENCHANTING HERREMANS'S SMILE HE STARTS MAKING A LAWNMOWER SOUND...BURRRRRR...WHICH IS PICKED UP BY THE OTHER FOUR O-LIMEMAN...BURRRRR...PRIOR TO ANY SNAP A BUZZING GROWS IN VOLUME...JAGUAR FANS CATCH ON...STANDS HUM...TV NETWORK HATES IT...WORLD CUP ALL OVER AGAIN...THEY PLAN AN INTERVENTION...IT FAILS...THEY PURCHASE AUDIO FILTERS
7. BRENDAN GRAHAM GETS TWO SACKS...SEVENTEEN HURRIES...BOTH SACKS ARE ESPN PLAYS OF THE WEEK...EPIC HITS...LATER, CHRIS BERMAN NICKNAMES HIM BRENDAN GRAHAM CRACKERS DEM...NO ONE LIKES IT...CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS JOIN US IN THE NEW MILLENNIUM...GRAHAM IS HEARD SHOUTING, I DON'T NEED LONG ARMS TO PLANT A QB...SUZY KOLBER ON THE SIDELINES NOT AS PART OF THE GAME DAY CREW, HEARS HIS RANT, GRABS A MIKE AND (IN THIS CASE IT WAS A GOLIC) AND A CAMERA CREW AND TRIES TO INTERVIEW GRAHAM...HE JUST GROWLS AND SNARLS...HE'S LATER NICKNAMED T-REX BY HUGH DOUGLAS...NAME STICKS
8. TEO (DANIEL TE'O-NESHEIM) GETS ONE REMARKABLE SACK...LAUNCHES HIMSELF ON A TEN FOOT FLIGHT TO GET IT...QB DAVID GARRARD SADLY LEAVES GAME...PUBLICALLY HOLDING HIS NARD SACK...TEO IS NICKNAMED B-BUSTER (DOUGLAS, AGAIN)...HEADLIND WRITTERS GRIN... GARRARD/NARD OOHH THE POSSIBILITIES
9. NATE ALLEN GETS AN INT...WHILE ON THE 31 YARD RETURN HE IS HIT WHILE SLIPPING OUT OF BOUNDS...THE UNSPORTSMANSHIP WAS ON THE EAGLE'S SIDELINES...DUMB MOVE...TEMPERS FLARED AND THE JACKSONVILLE PLAYER WAS PUMMELLED...ULTIMATELY, HURLED BACK ONTO THE FIELD BY JEFF OWENS...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED...HE WHO ME-ed ANYONE WHO'D LISTEN
10. FINES FLOW THIS DAY LIKE WINE AT A ROMAN TOGA PARTY...THE NATIONAL MEDIA LAMBASTS THE BIRDS' DIRTY PLAY...STEVEN A. SMITH TELLS ALL WHO'D LISTEN...THEY WEREN'T DIRTY WITH McNABB...STEVEN A. SMITH BECOMES PERSONNA NON GRATA IN THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE
11. REID, AGAIN, IS THE ONLY ONE INTERVIEWED..."TIME IS YOURS." AND ADDS "OUR PLUMBER IS NEEDING WORK" "CAN ANYONE HELP HIM?" MEDIA IS HUFFY...VAI SIKAHEMA IS REMOVED...HE TOOK THE ROAD TRIP, A RARITY, CLAIMING, NO BRAGGING, HE AND ANDY WERE TIGHT AND COULD BREAK THE STONEWALLING...HA-HA-HA!
12. AL MORGANTI FIGURED OUT HIS OBSCURE REFERENCE...NOTES, THEY HAD PLUGGED THEIR LEAKS
13. STACY ANDREWS IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE SOLIDARY SUPPORT FOR HIS BROTHER SHAWN ANDREWS SHAVES HIS HEAD INTO A MOHAWK, BUT IT IS LATER LEARNED HE IS A MR. T AND A-TEAM FAN...HE IS NICKNAMED MR. A (DOUGLAS) AND HIS BROTHER, MR. A-HOLE (ESKIN)...SHAWN TWEETS I'M GONNA GET ESKIN AFTER I GET MY MICHAEL PHELPS ON...ESKIN PLANS ON GETTING HIM TO SIGN A FOOTBALL AND A BONG
Sunday, October 3 Washington 4:15 p.m. WIN
This nationally televised game will be the "can't miss" event for all Philadelphia Eagles fans. The return of Donovan McNabb (as a Washington Redskin) to the place he called home for over a decade. Prediction: Eagles 30 Redskins 27
1. THE SCORE MORE LIKELY IS 37-21 (FAR TOO CLOSE)
2. THE TIME AND PLACE ARE JUST WRONG...TAILGATING IS AT AN ALL TIME HIGH (KEY WORD, HIGH)
3. WASHINGTON TAKES A LEAD INTO THE SECOND HALF...THE FAN SILENCE IS BEYOND SCARY...THIS CAUSES CHANNEL SURFING THUMB THROUGHOUT THE PHILADELPHIA AREA...RATINGS DROP
4. REID IS HEARD THROUGH THE LOCKERROOM WALLS AT HALF-TIME RIPPING NEW ANAL PASSAGES...MEDIA SNICKER...SECURITY CLEARS THE HALL...STAN HOCHMAN THERE TO MAKE A POINT WAS COLLARED AND WALKED OUT...WHAT WAS HOCHMAN'S POINT...GREAT QUESTION...HE A MAN WHO HAS BEEN POINTLESS FOR THE LONGEST TIME ACTUALLY HAD NONE...IMAGINE THAT
5. DERRICK GUNN RECORDS THE REID RANT AND PLAYS IT AS A COMCAST EXCLUSIVE AND IT QUICKLY MAKES THE TOP 10 YouTube VIDS...GUNN IS INNUDATED WITH NATIONAL INTERVIEW REQUESTS...BORED GUNN SHAVES ALL FACIAL HAIR...THE POST-RANT REID GAINS NEW RESPECT, IT IS BORN ANEW IN THE FANS...HUGH DOUGLAS COINS SPRAY IT DON'T SAY IT...BIG RED T-SHIRTS (XXXL AND RED) ARE MARKETED BY A LOCAL T-SHOP...THE OVER-SIZED GARMENT IS AN INSTANT HIT...MAYOR NUTTER BEGINS TO WEAR IT...THE HANGER-ONERS' POPULARTY PLUMMETS
6. DURING THE GAME, COACH APRIL AND REID HAVE AT EACH OTHER...APRIL PULLS OUT SOME TRASH BARRELS AND DEMOSTRATES THE PROPER TECHNIQUE TO FIGHT IN PUBLIC...MEMOS TO FOLLOW...SEE BULLENTIN BOARD...SAPP ASKS APRIL IF HE WANTS HIM TO SWEEP REID'S LEGS
7. BECAUSE OF THE NATIONAL AUDIANCE THE EAGLES' DIRTY BIRD HEADWEAR IS UNVEILED... DESIGNED BY A LOCAL ENTREPENEUR...AN ATLANTA NOVELTY BIDNESS SUES HIM...THE FOLLOW-UP PRESS AMPS UP SALES...IT IS LATER DISCOVERED BY INVESTIGATION REPORTER SAL PAL, THAT THE TWO WERE IN COHOOTS...SPECTULATION EXISTS THEY STORY WAS RELEASED BECAUSE THEY REFUSED TO CUT SAL PAL IN FOR A PERCENTAGE... THE AFOREMENTIONED REGALIA IS LIKE A COONSKIN CAP...DROOP NECK IN THE REAR AND A TAIL WITH THE DIRTY BUTT END IN FRONT, YES, IT WAS DIRTY...EAGLE SHAT DIRTY...ORIGINALLY THE DIRTY BIRD, ULTIMATELY IS CALLED THE DOODOO-BIRD, COINED BY KEITH JONES...LATER, JONES WEARS THE DOODOO-BIRD LID WHILE DOING HIS HOCKEY FOR VERSUS..."AY!" SPAT MIKE MILBURY, WHICH WAS ODD CONSIDERING HE WAS AMERICAN BUT THE ASTUTE HOCKEY COMMENTATOR KNEW BREAD/BUTTER AND RIGHT SIDE
8. McNABB IS SACKED 5-7 TIMES...NO, 7-9...NO, 10 TIMES...WHINES...LIMPS OFF HOLDING WRIST...HIS MOTHER IS SEEN THROWING CHEESE FRIES, LATER, BLOGS, THIS IS A SACK-ON-BLACK CRIME
9. JEFF OWENS, RE-PULLED FROM THE PRACTICE SQUAD, VIOLENTLY SQUASHES McNABB...PUTS HIM OUT...AS HE'S HELPED OFF THE FANS MICHAEL IRWIN HIM, CHEER...THEY WILL NEVER LEARN?
10. LES BOWEN REPORTS THAT OWENS SAID HE WANTED TO SPANK THE BABY...OWENS DENIED ANY SUCH COMMENTS...OWENS WAS NICKNAMED, THE PUDGY PADDLE (DOUGLAS)
11. WASHINGTON TRIES TO RUN OUT THE CLOCK WITH THEIR RUN GAME...BUT OWENS PADDLES THEM...SQUASHING ONE BACK AFTER ANOTHER...BOUNCING EACH OFF THE GROUND AND PLANTING A DOUBLE SQUASHING...WHEN HE CAN, SAPP PILES ON...YUP!
12. THE OLD RUNNERS WILL GET BITCH SLAPPED BY THE BIRD'S SPEED, AGRESSION AND WEIGHT..."I QUIT" IS HEARD BY ONE OLD BACK, POSSIBLY LARRY JOHNSON, BEMOANED TO HIS BACKFIELD COACH...THAT COACH WALKS OFF THE FIELD, RANTING, "I CAN SELL INSURANCE!"
13. A FUMBLE RECOVERY BY TAPP...IS RETURNED FOR A SCORE TO CEMENTS THE WIN...THE DAISYCHAIN PADDLE CELEBRATION IS FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
14. OF COURSE PHILLIE FANS ARE VILLIFIED BY THE NATIONAL MEDIA PARTLY MOSTLY BECAUSE THEIR HISTORY AND PARTLY BECAUSE ITS A CLICHÉ ...NOW, McNABB FAILED TO WIN THOUGH HE PLEDGED IT...SUPPORTERS FOR HIM RALLIED ON THE AIRWAVES...ALL TWO
15. REID DEFENDS THE FANS IN UNREID-LIKE PUBLIC TIRADE...DROPPING A WORD OF FOUR-LETTERS...AND IT WAS NOT FART...REID LATER APOLOGIZES FOR BEING INAPPROPRIATE...CITING CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE...KKKK! THE THICH SYRUP OF IRONY CAN BE HEAVY...HE IS FINED... AND WHEN ASKED ABOUT IT...HIS ANSWER WAS ONLY THREE WORDS, "TIME IS YOURS!"
16. MANAGEMENT HAS NO COMMENT...BANNER WAS INTERVIEWED WHILE SHOOTING HOOPS WEARING 76ERS #12 JERSEY, EVAN TURNER...HE WENT 2 FOR 23 FROM THE LINE...SEVEN WERE BLOCKED BY HOWIE...(THEY WERE FOULD SHOTS!) HOWIE ROSEMAN DID NOT CARE...NO ONE SCORES ON HIM
17. ALL PLAYERS HAVE TAKEN A NO INTERVIEW POLICY...THEY ARE GALVANIZED, WHICH REDUCES THE MEDIA TO CONJECTURE, INNUENDO, HALF-TRUTHS, ULTIMATELY, 37% LOSE THEIR JOBS
18. CELEK TWEETS THAT McNABB SHOULD RETIRE...GAINS NATIONAL ATTENTION AND NEW TWEETEES ... McNABB REPLIES ON YARDBARKER THAT HE SHOULD KEEP ME OUTTA HIS MOUFF...CELEK RE-TWEETS I TYPED IT...DUH! TOO MANY HITS TO YOUR HEAD...MAYBE, BY YOUR MOMMY!...CELEK LATER APOLOGIZES CITING HE WENT TOO FAR...BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND...HE AND McNABB HAVE AN UGLY HISTORY...McNABB SOOTHES HIS PAIN WITH CHEESE NACHOS
Sunday, October 10 at San Francisco 8:20 p.m. WIN
This will be a tough game. San Francisco 49ers is a well coached, running team with RB Frank Gore, and the Eagles will be coming off an emotional game. Close. Prediction: Eagles 20 49ers 23
1. COACH APRIL'S CONTRACT IS EXTENDED...IMAGINE THAT!
2. SCORE/LOSS SEEM RIGHT CONSIDERING THE BIRDS DON'T GO WEST COAST WELL...BUT... REMEMBER THAT AFORE BUT...KKKKK!
3. THE STADIUM IS PACKED WITH DIRTY BIRD'S FANS...THEY TRAVEL WELL...SINGLETARY LATER WHINES ABOUT SF FANS...HE IS SUBSEQUENTLY ACCUSED OF GAY BASHING...THE CLAIM MADE BY A RADICAL LOCAL PUBLICATION
4. FRANK GORE HAS A TWELVE YARD DAY...SAD...BREAKS HIS HELMET...HE AND SINGLETARY JABBER-JAW...SPITTLE FLIPPED AS WEAPONS...GORE DECLARES HE PULLED A HAMMY
5. TAYLOR MAYS HAS A HUGE GAME UNTIL HE CLOCKS D. JACKSON...A HELL IS RELEASED...EVERY PLAY POST JACKSON HIT FINDS MAYS ON HIS ARSE...INGRAM RISING 41 INCHES FOR A CATCH KNEES MAYS IN THE MUG...DENTAL WORK TO FOLLOW...MAYS KNOCKED OUT OF GAME... CORNELIUS INGRAM IS FLAGGED... FINED... WOODSHED
6. SAPP GETS A SACK...SURPRISING NO ONE IT WAS A BORDERLINE DIRTY HIT...GETS UP AND GETS FLAGGED FOR A VILE GESTURE...FINED...WOODSHED...HE GETS THE NICKNAME THE DIRTY DIGIT (KEITH JONES)...SAPP'S FINE IS PAID BY ISOTONER...HE CHANGES HIS GLOVES
7. BIRDS GET 3 INTs...ALL BY ALLEN...ALL TIPPED BY LBs...ALL RETURNED 20+ YARDS EACH
8. EAGLES WIN THIS WITH HUGE CATCHES BY CELEK/JEREMY MACLIN...LATE SCORE AND THE FINAL IS 23-17...EAGLES WIN...EAGLES WIN...EAGLES WIN!
9. CHRIS COLLINGSWORTH DECLARES THE BIRDS THE DIRTIEST TEAM IN NFL HISTORY... REID COMMENTS THAT COLLINGSWORTH WON NOTHING...WINNING WAS ALIEN TO HIM...REID WAS FINED...FANS SET UP WEBSITE, IN ANDY WE TRUST AND PAY THE FINE... COLLINGSWORTH GOES ON A PUBLIC RANT...NO ONE LISTENED BUT HBO...THEY HAD TO... REID REFUSES TO ENGAGE IN THAT DEBATE...MORE BIG RED T-SHIRTS ARE SOLD... EAGLES' MANAGEMENT HAS NO COMMENT BUT FOR A SERIES OF COY SMIRKS
10. ALL WILL LATER LEARN THAT MIKE SINGLETARY IS FINED FOR PULLING DOWN HIS PANTS A 2ND TIME IN THE LOCKER ROOM SCOLDING HIS PLAYERS...THE AFOREMENTIONED GAY PUBLICATION PRINTS AN APOLOGY...SINGLETARY IS FINED...REPLIES, "KISS MY BLACK ARSE!" RE-FINED AND SUSPENDED
11. BANNER IS SEEN PUBLICLY WEARING A # 14 FLYERS SWEATER (GO LAPPY)
12. AS A FOOTNOTE: COLLINGSWORTH'S WIFE DULY EMBARRASSED, LEFT CHRIS. HE TOOK A HIATUS TO TRY TO WORK IT OUT. SHE HAS HIRED ELIN WOOD'S ATTORNEY...OUCH!
Sunday, October 17 Atlanta 1 p.m. WIN
Atlanta Falcon's vulnerabilities against the pass play to the Eagles strengths. Andy Reid coached teams always play well after a loss. Prediction: Eagles 28 Falcons 14
1. THIS GAME WILL BE CLOSER... 21-20... BUT FOR THIS PIECE I'LL PREDICT 31-13...LIKE THE BIRDS...OOPS...THE EAGLES
2. DIRTY BIRD HEADS FILL THE STANDS...BOTH SIDES...IRONY RULES
3. THIS IS WHERE THE EAGLES DEFENSE RISES TO COMPLETELY CONTROL THE RUN
4. MATT RYAN IS SPEARED BY RICKY SAPP...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
5. RYAN IS LATE HIT BY TRENT COLE...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
6. RYAN IS CRUSHED BY JUQUA PARKER...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
7. RYAN IS DOG PILED BY ENTIRE D-LINE...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
8. RYAN LEAVES WITH AN ANKLE...THE OTHER IS ON FIELD HURTING
9. LATER, WILMA McNABB OFFERS RYAN A SPOT IN HER CLASS ACTION LAW SUIT AGAINST THE EAGLES...CITING A CONSPIRACY WITH THE INTENT TO HURT...IT'S FOOTBALL!
10. FANS CHEER THE ABOVE RYAN TRAGEDIES AND ARE LIKEN TO THE BLACKHEARTED DEVILS BY JOHN SMALLWOOD...THAT MONDAY A FEMALE CALLED INTO WIP ABOUT THE AFORE AND SAID, I KNOW JOHN AND HE HAS A SMALL WOOD FCC ASKED THE RADIO STATION TO CONTROL CALLS
11. BRAIN BALDINGER, DOING THE GAME, GOES VERBALLY BALLISTIC ON THE NETWORK'S HALF-TIME CREW...HE SMASHES HIS FIST, BREAKS THE MIKE STAND, DROPS THE F-BOMB AND IS IMMEDIATELY SUSPENDED 3 GAMES... WITH BALDINGER OFF THE AIR HIS BROADCAST PARTNER HAS A PANIC ATTACK AND WALKS OUT LEAVING DEAD AIR FOR FIVE MINUTES...RATINGS SOAR
12. THE BACK-UP QB THROWS FOUR INTs...ERNIE SIMS, STEWARD BRADLEY, JOSELIO HANSON, AND BRODRICK BUNKLEY
13. THE PRODUCER USES SIDELINE SOUND AND A NEW AGE IN BROADCASTING IS BIRTHED
14. KOLB/VICK HAVE A HUGE GAME (PASSING) BUT NOT ON THE SCOREBOARD...MICHAEL VICK RUNS FOR 80 YARDS...RAN IT UP IN THEIR FACE...FLAGGED FOR UNSPORTSMAN PLAY
15. 3 TDS ARE RUN IN...VICK...WEAVER...COOPER/McCOY (THE HAD JOINT CUSTODY OF THE BALL AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN THE NFL THE SCORE IS SHARED
16. REID HONORS THE TWELTH MAN (THE FANS) STATING...THIS DOUBLE CHEESEBURG IS FOR YOU...HE GOBBLES THE MEAT TREAT AT THE NEWS CONFERENCE...AND HE IS NOT NEAT ABOUT IT... THE BIGGEST LOSER, DANCING WITH THE STARS AND DANCING YOUR ASS OFF CALL REID HOPING HE'D BE A GUESS CELEBRITY...BOB BROOKOVER, JEFF McLANE, AND JONATHAN TAMARI EACH BROKE PIECES OF THE AFORE STORY...IT IS LATER DICOVERED TO BE A HOAX PERPATRATED BY STAN HOCHMAN LEAKS... FINALLY, HE SAID HE DID IT...WHY... FOR SHATS AND GIGGLES...HOCHMAN BARRED FROM ANY JOURNALISTIC FUNCTION TURNS TO BECOMING A FOOD CRITIC...ULTIMATELY DISTROYING THE CREDIBILITY OF THAT INDUSTY AS HE DID THE PHILLIE SPORTS REPORTING INDUSTRY
Sunday, October 24 at Tennessee 1 p.m. WIN
The 2009 season saw flashes of greatness from Tennessee Titan QB Vince Young. This will not be enough to beat a more balanced, explosive team in the Eagles. Prediction: Eagles 35 Titans17
1. SCORE IS RIGHT-ISH...EXCEPT THAT IT'S 38-7
2. YOUNG SACKED 7 TIMES...GIVES UP 3 INTs...LOSES 2 FUMBLES...GETS BENCHED...LOSES HIS JOB...QUITS THE TEAMS AND ENDS UP AS A MALE STRIPPER...FUMBLING TIPS
3. DAVID AKERS ON A FAKE KICK TAKES A LATERAL AND ADVANCED IT TO THE TWO YARD LINE...REID IN AN ACT OF RESPECT PUT AKERS IN AT RB, TENNESSEE EXPECTING THE FAKE IGNORES AKERS WHO IS HANDED THE BALL AND WALKS IN FOR THE TD...WOW!
4. KOLB HAS 4 TDs...CELEK...JACKSON (2)...CORNELIUS INGRAM...ALL FOUR TDs ARE FROM PASSES FIRST COMPLETED TO MACLIN THEN LATERALLED TO THE AFORE PLAYERS...THE BIRDS ARE SCOLDED FOR BEING HOT DOGS...REID CORRECTS, CHEESE STEAKS WIT
5. McCOY RUNS ONE IN...HAS HIS TROUSERS TORN FROM HIM...FURTHER EXPLAINING SHADY
6. WEAVER WHILE DEBATING A PREVIOUS PLAY FORCED THE BIRDS INTO A TIME OUT...REID FLAGGED HIM...FINED HIM...WOODSHEDED HIM...WEAVER PLANS A APOLOGY...BEEN THERE DONE THAT, HE THOUGHT
7. IN UTTER AMAZEMENT AKERS HAS THREE SOLO TACKLES...APRIL BEGAN USING HIM AS A WEDGE BUSTER...A MARITAL ARTS MASTER HE CHOPS THROUGH THEIR DEFENSE
8. THE ONE TIME TE JASON PETERS CATCHES A PASS...TODD HERREMANNS CATCHES A PASS...JAMAR CHANNEY CATCHES A PASS...JEFF OWENS CATCHES A PASS...HANK BASKETT DROPS THE ONLY BALL THROW HIS WAY...HE TWEETS HIS WIFE...KENDRA WILKINSON HAS YET TO REPLY
9. ELLIS HOBBS GETS HURT...DAMN...AND IS LOST FOR THE SEASON...THE DAILY NEWS WRITING TEAM IMMEDIATELY WRITES...EAGLES' SEASON IS OVER...PESSIMISM RULES!
10. IT IS POINTED OUT THAT THERE ARE MORE EAGLES FANS IN THE STANDS THAN TITAN'S FANS...THE COMMENTATOR STATES, THE NFL SHOULD OUTLAW EAGLES FANS...HIS HOME WAS REPAINTED IN RAW EGGS TONES...ATTA BIRDS!
11. AT THIS POINT IN THE SEASON BIRDS LEAD THE LEAGUE IN UNSPORTSMAN PENALTIES
12. SEAN McDERMOTT IS STILL NOT TALKING
13. REID RESPONDS WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE DEFENSE, "TIME IS YOURS" SMIRKS
14. 2,500 FANS GREET THE TEAM AT THE AIRPORT...TWELVE PLAYERS ARE WEARING DIRTY BIRD HEADGEAR...REID IS WEARING A BIG RED T-SHIRT
15. AKERS ANNOUNCES HE HAS BEEN APPOINTED BY REP. JON RUNYAN AS AN ADVISOR FOR THE NATIONAL DEFENCE..ERIK KUSELIAS IS ADDED AS HIS AID
16. REID IS ASKED WHY THEY SPREAD THE BALL TO SO MANY DIFFERENT AND UNUSUAL PASS CATCHERS...HE REPSONDS, "TIME IS YOURS!" MEDIA GETS HUFFY...TOM LAWLOR IS REMOVED FOR LAUGHING SO LOUD THAT HE WAS EMBARRASSING EVERYONE
Sunday, October 31 BYE WEEK
1. IN AN ACT OF FEIGNED SOLIDARITY ANGELO CATALDI REFUSES TO TALK ABOUT THE BIRDS JOINING THE SHUN OF THE MEDIA...NO ONE NOTICES SO HE TELLS EVERYONE DAILY...NO ONE CARES
2. RAY DIDINGER WHINES ABOUT HOW HE ALWAYS KNOWS BETTER...HIM BEING A H.O.F.er ET AL...MICHAEL BARKANN KEPT KISSING DIDINGER'S OVERRATED AND OUT-OF-TOUCH ARSE AS DIDINGER READS HIS OWN NOTES IN A ACT OF SELF-PROMOTION (HE BELIEVING HE'S AN ERUDITE...I.E., BETTER THEN THE REST OF US)
3. DIDINGER IS FIRED FOR BEING TOO CRITICAL AND WASTING FANS TIME WHILE TAKING UP DEAD SPACE...WHY...THERE IS A CONTINUAL HUGE PUBLIC OUTRAGE DELUGING COMCAST...COMCAST NOTICED THEIR RATINGS WERE STEADILY DROPPING WITH HIM...HE IS REPLACED BY CATALDI AND THE RATING CONTINUE TO FALL...WHY...CATALDI DOESN'T DO POSITIVE MEDIA WELL...HE WAS LIKE A SPARK IN A SNOWSTORM...OUCH!
4. MIKE QUICK INTERVIEWS FOR THE SPOT ON THE PANEL BUT BORING DOES NOT SELL
5. EVENTUALLY, COMCAST HIRES MIKE GOLIC'S BRO BOB GOLIC...ALL'S WELL FOR ABOUT A WEEK...BUT THEN THE CONCASTET BEGINS TO LEAK...LITERALLY, PISSING ON EVERYONE... COMCAST IS PUT IN A DIFFICULT POSTION...BUT MONEY RULES
6. RHEA HUGHES AFTER QUESTIONING PLAY CALLING IS BARRED FROM THE LINC
7. AL MORGANTI BECOMES THE VOICE OF REASON...NOTING "BOSTON WOULD DO IT WORST"
8. KEITH JONES BUYS A NEW DIRTY BIRD LID...REPLACES BOB GOLIC...HE IS AS BIG OF A HIT AS A FIVE-RUN HOMERUN...HE INVITES EVERYONE TO JOIN HIM A DELAWARE PARK
9. HUGH DOUGLAS TELLS THE NATIONAL MEDIA, BIG RED IS THE GREATEST COACH EVER...DOUGLAS IS IMMEDIATELY CUT OFF THE AIR WHEN HE INSISTS THAT ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH HIM CAN KISS HIS BLACK A...! (CUT OFF IN MID-WORD)
10. G. COBB TELLS ANYONE WHO'D LISTEN HE KNEW THE BIRDS WERE GREAT...SEVEN HEARD
11. ANTHONY GARGANO PENS A POIGNANT TOME ABOUT HEROES, IT'S PICKED UP NATIONALLY...OLD DRUNKEN MALE EAGLES FANS ADMIT PUBLICLY THAT GARGANO MADE THEM CRY...GARGANO IS GIVEN A BOOK DEAL TO AUTHOR HEROES IN JOURNALISM...HE DECLINES RECOGNIZING THAT HE HAD A LIMITED SUBJECT...HE'S GOOD NOT THAT GOOD
12. GLEN MACNOW QUITS WIP AFTER A FAN PHYSICALLY CONFRONTS HIM IN PUBLIC...BUT THE TRUTH WAS HE WAS QUITE JEALOUS OF GARGANO'S WRITING SKILLS AND SUCCESS
13. HOWARD ESKIN GLOATS KNOWING HE WAS REID'S BUTT MUNCHER EXTRAORDINAIRE...HE PLANNED ON GETTING FOOTBALLS SIGNED LATER BY KOLB AND VICK
14. IKE REESE CONTINUES TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EAGLES, CUTTING VETS, AND MONEY... SLOWLY LOSING CRED...BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT...REESE FINALLY MOVES TO CLEVELAND AFTER A HUGE FAN OUTCRY...HE IS STILL COMPLAINING...WHATA M.O.!
15. RON JAWORSKI TELLS ANYONE WHO'D LISTEN HE ALWAYS EXPECTED THIS SUCCESS...G. COBB'S SEVEN WERE THE ONLY LISTENERS...ESPN NOTICED...A MEETING WAS CALLED... JAWS WAS UNMASKED BY JOE THEISMANN AS BEING TWO-FACED (IRONIC, HUH?)
16. PAUL DOMOWITCH HAS NO THOUGHTS...AS USUAL...WROTE THEM...WHO CARES
17. ED RENDELL AS A PRE-EMPTIVE POLITICAL MANEUVER MOVES TO WASHINGTON D.C....BCOMES A McNABB FAN (IRONY) STATING HE HAD ALWAYS BEEN ONE BUT FOR CATALDI'S URGING...HE BUYS A HOUSE ON McNABB'S STREET AND NOW DOES POST-GAME FOR COMCAST WASHINGTON...HE'S HOPING FOR AN OBAMA APPOINTMENT...NONE COMING
18. MARCUS HAYES SENSES HATRED...TAKES A JOB AT SYRACUSE TEACHING WRITING... STUDENTS HATE HIM...BOYCOTT HIS CLASS...UNIVERSITY RELEASES HIM...HE IS WORKING AT MANNY'S SELLING T-SHIRTS...AND AT NIGHTS BUSSING TABLES AT DINOSAUR BAR-B-Q
19. LES BOWEN IS BANNED FROM COMCAST OUT OF FEAR OF FURTHER LOSS OF VIEWERSHIP
20. VAUGHN HEBRON GETS A NEW FREE WARDROBE DEAL BUT STILL HAS NOTHING TO SAY
21. DERRICK GUNN MAKES A BUNCH OF BROWNIE POINTS KISSING PLAYER'S ARSES
22. KATHY ROMANO BECOMES AN ICONIC IMAGE...THE PREVIOUS WEEK SHE COLD-COCKED A DRUNK AT CHICKIES...MICHAEL BARKANN GOT SO EXCITED THAT HE PULLED A VOCAL CORD...GOES ON DNL-DL...BARKANN IS REPLACED BY KATHY ROMANO WHO THREATENS EVERYONE ON THE PANEL...SCARES THE POOP OUT OF THEM ALL...WHY?...SHE HAS BELIEVE-ME EYES...AND THEY KNEW A HELLEVA RIGHT CROSS...ALL LEAVE AND ARE REPLACED BY DAVE SPADARO, BO WULF, AND CHRIS McPHERSON...THEY FIGURATIVELY KISS HER SOFT PINK ARSE AND ALL'S WELL...RATING SOAR
23. AS A PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AND JUST FOR SHATS AND GIGGLES NEIL HARTMANN IS FIRED...TONY KORNHEISER APPLES FOR THAT VACANTJOB BUT IS SPURNED
24. BRIAN BALDINGER GOES ON ANOTHER RANT AND EXPLAINING THEY WERE ALL HUGE FRAUDS AND THAT LESLIE GUDEL AND DEI LYNAM COVERED UP THEIR WEAKNESSES
Sunday, November 7 Indianapolis 4:15 p.m. WIN
Bottom line; It's hard to pick against Peyton Manning on National television. Still, as an Eagles fan this will be an important game to watch and measure against. Prediction: Eagles 23 Colts 30
1. HATE THIS GAME...FEAR OF THE MYTH...THE MAGIC...THE MAYHEM OF THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS...THE ARE THE EVIL EMPIRE
2. SCORE IS WRONG...MORE LIKE 28-27...YUP...A CLIFF DWELLERS AS RICHIE ASHBURN WOULD SAY...MISS YA RICHIE!
3. FANS PRESENTLY EMPOWERED BY THE PURGING OF THE MEDIA DEADWOOD ARE RABID IN A FRENZY OF SUPPORT OF THEIR TEAM...A RED SHIRTED STAUTE OF REID CONSTRUCTED OF BEER KEGS AND CANS IS BUILT IN THE LINC PARKING LOT...CLEAN-UP CREWS TRY TO REMOVE IT...FANS SET-UP A 24-7 WATCH
4. AT THE GAME MANY WEAR K. R. RULES ARM BANDS AND FAKE CROOKED PINKY FINGER GLOVES (SEE BALDY) SUPPORTING BALDY...RON BURKE WRESTLES A BEAR AT HALF TIME... WHY...HIS "Q" RATING WAS SO LOW HIS AGENT ENCOURAGED SOME ACT TO CREATE PUBLIC AWARENESS
5. WITHIN THE GAME BOTH DEFENSES HAVE HUGE IMPACTS...AT LEAST THREE OF THE SCORES ARE DEFENSIVE...GO D...GO D...GO D...FOKOU AFTER A SIMS HIT PICKS UP A FUMBLE AND ROMPS FOR A TD...DURING HIS TD CELEBRATION HE KICKS THE BALL AS IF IT WERE A SOCCER BALL...NFL LATER FINES HIM FOR PROMOTING THE WRONG FOOTBALL
6. MANNING IS RELENTLESSLY PRESSURED...THE FRONT FOUR WERE UNCOMPROMISING IN THE TENACITY...PEYTON TRIES TO SCRAMBLE...POOR DECISION...HE IS PUT OUT OF THE GAME...TEO HITS HIM SQUARE IN THE KISSER...BLOODY UGLY...LITERALLY...A FIGHT BREAKS OUT...SIX PLAYERS ARE DISQUALIFIED...FLAG FLY...FINES TO FOLLOW
7. THE COLTS HAD 27 POINTS AT THE TIME OF MANNING'S FACIAL...NO MORE ARE SCORED
8. SCOTT (RB) AND SCOTT (WR) EACH SCORE...HOLY SCOTT BATMAN WHO'D THUNK THAT?
9. BIRDS WIN UGLY...AGAIN, GET HORRIBLE PRESS AS A DIRTY TEAM...CATAPULTING FANSHIP...STUB HUB MAKES A FORTUNE...EAGLES TICKETS ARE SELLING FOR AMAZING PRICES...LOCAL SCALPERS PUT OUT A CONTRACT ON STUB HUB BUT NO ONE NEEDS AN EXTRA THIRTY-ONE DOLLARS
10. IN A TERSE AND TEARFUL DISCOURSE ARCHIE MANNING TELLS ESPN THAT HE HAS ALWAYS HATED THE BIRDS...RECALLS DIRTY WATTERS...MANNINGS' HOMES IS TPed AND EGGED...THEY GO INTO HIDING SOMEWHERE IN THE BAYOU...WILMA McNABB REACHES OUT TO ARCHIE ABOUT HER CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT...OFFERS HIM A PIECE OF THE ACTION...THEY ARE CONSIDERING...BUT THEY DO ENJOY THE LOCAL MUD-PUPPIES
11. AT THE POST-GAME PRESSER PEYTON VOWS REVENGE...NO ONE UNDERSTOOD BECAUSE OF HIS SWOLLEN LIPS...BROTHER ELI MANNING TELLS HIM HE HAS HIS BACK...BAD MOVE BABY ELI...EAGLES' D SNICKERS...THEY KNOW SOMETHING ELI DOESN'T KNOW
12. EAGLES MANAGEMENT HAS NO COMMENT...ADDS MORE SEATING CAPACITY
13. REID WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE MANNING TIFF, REPLIES, "TIME IS YOURS!"...DUH!
14. WINSTON JUSTICE IS GIVEN THREE NEW SUITS BY KOLB AS A THANK YOU...ANDREW IS GIVEN A WII...JACKSON WHO RETURNED IS GIVEN TICKETS TO DELAWARE STATE BASKETBALL...HERREMANN, A PORTRAIT OF HIMSELF...PETERS, THE KEYS TO A SEGUE... KOLB'S WIFE THROWS A FIT...SHE IS GIVEN A PRETTY PINK BOW BENEATH IT A LEXUS
Monday, November 15 at Washington 8:30 p.m. WIN
A great "bounce back" from. By this time, the Redskins will have a good idea if the McNabb trade was worth it. My prediction is that McNabb will not turn out to be the football savior that the Redskins were looking for. This game will further reaffirm that fact. Prediction Eagles 27 Redskins 7
1. THE FIRST GAME WAS CLOSE BUT THIS GAME IS A BLOW-OUT...SCORE IS RIGHTISH, 34-7
2. LATER McNABB IS CAUGHT BY PHONE CAM CALLING FOR HIS MOMMY...NOW, A YOUTUBE HIT...POST-CALL SHE PARKS HERSELF ON THE SKIN'S SIDELINES
3. McNABB IS AGAIN IS...SMACKED DOWN...SACKED...HIT LATE...CHASED OUT OF BOUNDS... FORCED TO SURRENDER...ULTIMATELY HE LEAVES GAME...TEO AGAIN...HE NAMED TEO-NO!...NICKNAMED DOES NOT LAST...BRAIN MITCHELL GIGGLES ON AIR.
4. GRAHAM HAS 2 SACKS...CREATES A NEW SACK DANCE...FLAPPING ARMS...T.O. SUES
5. MOMMA McNABB DEFENDS HER BOY...AFTER A BRUTAL SACK SHE RUNS ONTO THE FIELD AND JUMPS ON GRAHAM'S BACK...UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM HE FLIPS HER ONTO THE GROUND AND UNOFFICIALLY IS CREDITED WITH THREE McNABB SACKS FOR THE DAY
6. MACLIN AND INGRAM HAVE BIG GAMES...RIVER DANCE ON THE MEMORY OF THE HOGS
7. SAPP EMERGES AS A FORCE...HE LITERALLY FLIES OVER THE LINE TO BLOCK A FG
8. TREVARD LINDLEY IS AT CB...SHOWS STAR QUALITY...HUGE HANDS...PISSY 'TUDE
9. MIKE SHANNAHAN WHEN INTERVIEWED IS CURT ABOUT THE BIRD'S DIRTY PLAY...ASKES FOR LEAGUE INTERVENTION...SAL PAL WILL DO AN EDITORIAL SUPPORTING SHANNAHAN... REID WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE ISSUE IMPLIES THAT SHANNAHAN MAY BE OVER THE HILL...THE GAME HAS PASSED HIM BY...AND BY-THE-BY McNABB IS NOT ELWAY...HA-HA! REID GIVES ESKIN A BOX OF TISSUES TO RUN OVER TO SHANNAHAN
10. DAN SNYDER CALLS REID A BLIGHT ON THE GAME...THEN RUNS AND HIDES... FIGURES... RESPONDING TO THE WASHINGTON COMCAST, JOE BANNER GOES PUBLIC SAYING MY OWNER IS WORTH MORE THAN YOURS...HA-HA!...JEFF LURIE HAS NO COMMENT...SEEKING A NECKTIE THAT WORKS WITH A WRINKLED SHIRT...CHRISTINA LURIE WHEN QUERIED ABOUT WEALTH STATES..."WE'VE ENOUGH"..."WE'RE GREEN...YOU'RE NOT!"
11. ROGER GOODELL ASKS...NO...BEGS ALL PARTIES TO CEASE AND DESIST...YEAH, RIGHT!... SYNDER REACTS WITH, "THEY STARTED IT!" ROLLED HIS LIMO WINDOW BACK UP...EAGLE'S MANAGEMENT SNIGGERS AT HIS CHILDISHNESS, "WE'RE RUBBER AND YOUR GLUE..." ... THEN RECALLING HE CHARGED FANS TO VISIT SUMMER CAMP...NOT A HOG BUT A PIG...THROUGHOUT THIS HOWIE ROSEMAN POINTS OUT THAT JOE BANNER WOULD BE A BETTER COMMISSIONER...HISTORY WILL POINT OUT THAT BANNER SUCCEEDS GOODELL IN A SILENT COUP...IT AN ANTI-JERRY JONES MANEUVER...THE NFL GETS WEALTHIER AND STRONGER...BUT SADLY LURIE GROWS GLUM MISSING HIS FRIEND...SO THE NFL HEADQUARTERS MOVES TO PHILADELPHIA...HOUSED AT THE COMCAST BUILDING
12. ROSEMAN IS EVENTUALLY APPOINTED AS NEW EAGLES PRESIDENT... HE HIRES PAT CROCE
Sunday, November 21 NY Giants 8:20 p.m. WIN
This is a big-time NFC East game. Always a fan favorite, it seems that the Giants and Eagles bring the best out of each other, regardless of the season. This one will come down to the end with Philadelphia losing by under a touchdown. Prediction: Eagles 17 Giants 21
1. SCORE WRONG...30-10...BIRDS
2. THE TIME WAS AN EXAMPLE OF THE LEAGUE'S POOR PLANNING...FANS PARTIED ALL DAY...THE FEW GIANT FANS WHO TRAVELED TO THE LINC WERE CHASED HOME...ONE CAR OVER-TURNED BY A RADICAL GROUP OF MILITANT GRANNIES WITH GREEN PANTIES ON THEIR HEADS...LATER, THOSE GIANT FANS SUED THE EAGLES FOR LACK OF SECURITY...CASE WAS HEARD IN PHILLY...THE FANS LOST AND WERE CHASED ALONG WITH THEIR LAWYERS FROM THE CITY
3. KOLB WHILE ON PRESSURE OF A RUSH...SHOT A BEHIND THE BACK PASS TO VICK WHO RAMBLED TWENTY-SEVEN YARDS...OSI UMENYIORA WAS EMBARRASSED AND SLAPPED KOLB WHO WENT HILLBILLY ALL IN THE DE's FACE...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
4. WEAVER RESOLVED THE OSI ISSUE ON THE VERY NEXT PLAY BY UNINTENTIONALLY SUBMARINING THE MAN IN THE TWIG AND BERRIES ENDING HIS DAY AND POSTPONING HIS TRYST WITH A DANCER AT CLUB RISQUÉ THOUGH SHE STILL BILLED HIS VISA CARD
5. EAGLES DEFENSE UNLEASHES, STOPS RUN, 7 SACKS, 3 INTs, 2 FORCED FUMBLES, BOTH RECOVERED... BRADLEY WHISPERED TO ELI, WARNED YOU...MANNING KOed IN THE SECOND HALF BY A SIMS/SAPP SANDWICH WHILE MANNING WAS RUNNING FROM TEO B-BUSTER...THIS CAUSES AN EPIC BENCH CLEARING FIGHT TO ENSUE...10 DISQUALIFIED...FINES FOLLOWED
6. AS A SIDEBAR, TEO IS RECRUITED BY PAUL HOLMGREN TO PLAY FOR THE FLYERS...HE BUYS SKATES
7. ALL SCORES ARE BY AKERS...A NEW RECORD...10 FIELD GOALS...AT THE SEVEN MARK THE RECIEVERS AND RUNNERS WERE DROPPING TO THE GROUND AT THE ONE YARD LINE
8. GIANT'S BACK-UP QB GOES NO MASSE MODE...HE ACTS LIKE A BIG BABY...HIS LINEMEN WALK OFF PEEVED...REFUSE TO RETURN TO THE FIELD...THRID STINGER GETS THE CALL
9. AFTER THE CONTEST TOM COUGHLIN CALLS HIS PLAYERS CATS (USES THE DEROGATORY TERM)...HE IS FINED...SUSPENDED...HE QUITS...PUTS LINAMENT IN EVERY JOCKSTRAP ON THE WAY OUT...REID OFFERS HIM A JOB...BANNER DENIES THAT HAPPENED
10. LEAGUE APPOINTS AN AD HOC COMMITTEE TO INVESTIGATE THE BIRD'S DIRTY PLAY... KORNHEIZER APPLIES BUT IS REJECTED...JON GRUDEN CHAIRS THE GROUP...HOWIE LONG BALKS BUT ACCEPTS...THE RESULT OF THE COMMITTEE IS QUOTE, "BOYS WILL BE BOYS...BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET-OVER-IT"
11. ON THE POST-GAME LIVE SHOW...KATHY RAMANO HAPPENED TO WEAR A TOP WITH A DRAMATICALLY SCOOPING NECKLINE...GRANTED IT WAS FAR TOO REVEALING...BUT NOT AN INVITATION...THE CAMERAMAN MANAGED TO TAKE FAR TOO MANY CLOSE-UPS OF HER CLEAVAGE, ONLY...ON ONE BREAK SHE KICKED (KICKED) HIS ARSE OFF OF THE SET...THE CAMERA WAS FIXED FROM THAT POINT FORWARD VEIWING ALL FOUR...DAVE SPADARO ASKED IF SHE WANTED HIM TO SPIT ON THE CAMERAMAN
Sunday, November 28 at Chicago 1 p.m. WIN
The Chicago Bears, who went 7-9 in 2009, are turnover prone and erratic. This will play into the hands of an opportunistic Philadelphia defense. Expect a slug fest. Prediction: Eagles 17 Bears 10
1. SCORE WRONG...28-10...BIRDS
2. KOLB HAS 4 TDs...JACKSON (2)...CELEK...MACLIN...IRONICALLY, ALL 54 YARDS, HUH, URLACHER
3. REID HAS TWENTY DEEP DISH PIZZAS DELIEVERED AT THE START OF THE GAME...JEFF OWENS RUNS ONTO THE FIELD WITH A HALF-EATED SLICE AND ANOTHER IN HIS HELMET
4. FOUR TURN-OVERS ARE CREATED BY EAGLES DEFENSE...THEY PRESENTLY LEAD THE LEAGUE...TWO FUMBLES, FORCED AND RECOVERED BY PATERSON AND SIMS AND TWO INTs...BY SIMS AND SAMUELS...EACH RETURNED THIRTY YARDS
5. SLOBBER-KNOCKER SPECIAL TEAM HITS BECOME INSTANT YOUTUBE MOST WATCHED...ONE CARTED OFF BEAR HAD ACTUALLY PISSED HIS PANTS, IN A SPONTANEOUS HIT/PISS MOMENT WAS CAUGHT ON FILM...LINDLEY KNOCKED PEE OUT OF HIM...LAUGHED...FLAGGED FOR TAUNTING... FINED...WOODSHED
6. JASON AVANT IS HURT AND IS REPLACED BY RILEY COOPER WHO HAS 5 CATCHES... HE TWEETS TEBOW DURING GAME...NEWS OF THIS GETS OUT AND HE IS FINED...THE ITTY BITTY T*TT** COMMITTEE OF SIXTY-NINE, A WOMAN'S GROUP THAT SUPPORTS ALL THINGS RILEY SCOTT, PAY THE FINE...HE IS HIRED BY THEM TO POSE SHIRTLESS FOR THEIR CALENDER...HE IS FEATURED EVERY MONTH
7. EALIER IN THE WEEK, OUT OF FEAR FOR THE TEAM'S SAFETY, MIKE SINGLETARY AND DICK BUTKUS CO-AUTHOR AN OP-ED PIECE ABOUT VIOLENCE IN SPORT...COPIES ARE SENT TO REID WHO HAS THEM CUT UP AND ROLLED AS IF TP AND RETURNED TO SINGLETARY...IMPLYING HE'LL BE SHATTING HIMSELF...ANDY THAT WAS RUDE...BUT A GOOD ONE!
8. JAY CUTLER IS SMACKED INTO A FOGGY STATE...HE IS WALKED OFF THE FIELD...THE GAME IS LATER CALLED BY HUGH DOUGLAS THE REVENGE OF THE FOG BOWL
9. BRIAN URLACHER TRIES TO GO MACHO...MACHO HARRIS GOES RAMBO/ROCKY ALL OVER HIS HEAD ...IN PHILADELPHIA AT EVERY BAR SONG SPONTANEOUSLY ERUPTS, MACHO, MACHO MAN...! BOTH SUSPENDED...URLACHER HAS WHAT SEEMS TO BE ROID RAGE...WHICH RESULTS IN HIM GETTING A CUP TO FILL-WEEKLY ...LATER IN THE WEEK URLACHER TWEETS HE IS OFFERING MONETARY BOUNTIES ON THE HEADS OF ANY EAGLE
10. GOODELL RESIGNS...BANNER SLIDES IN...ROGER GOES ONTO A CAREER MODELING SUITS
11. AMY FADOOL WANTS TO JOIN THE COMMITTEE OF SIXTY-NINE BUT IS DENIED FOR THEY HAVE A DEEP WAITING LIST AND THEY ONLY KEEP SIXTY-NINE MEMBERS...INSTEAD SHE DATED RILEY... LUCKY MAN...JOHN BORUK WHO HAS A SECRET CRUSH ON AMY SULKS AND THE CLOTHES HORSE PLACATES HIMSELF WITH A NEW SUIT AND VEST
Thursday, December 2 Houston 8:20 p.m. WIN
The Houston Texans seem to always be one or two games away from a breakthrough season. Expect more of the same. Houston has weapons, but Philadelphia has more. Prediction: Eagles 31 Texans 24
1. SCORE IS PSEUDO-CORRECT ... 38-4...YUP TWO SAFETIES
2. KOLB A HOUSTON NATIVE, IN FRONT OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY THROWS FOR THREE TDs...WEAVER...INGRAM...COOPER...THE TOTAL RAC (RUN AFTER CATCH) IS THREE TO THE FOURTH, I.E., 81 YARDS SURPASSING McNABB'S BEST EVER RAC...THEY ATE CORN AND STEAKS POST-GAME
3. AVANT IS BACK BUT IS PLATOONED WITH R. COOPER...COOPER IS GAINING A CULT FOLLOWING... MORE AND MORE FEMALES ARE ATTENDING GAMES AND AFTER EVERY CATCH HE MAKES HAVE A CHEER AND CHANT THAT ENDS WITH THEM FLASHING GREEN BRAS...REID LIKES AND REFINES GAME WITH COOPER AS A TARGET MORE OFTEN
4. HOUSTON'S DEFENSE IS INEFFECTIVE...AND INJURIES ARE BEING FEIGNED
5. EAGLES DEFENSE IS FAIR, UNTIL, BUNKLEY BLOWS UP THE LINE, HURLING THE CENTER INTO THE AIR KNOCKING DOWN THE QUARTERBACK...STRONGMAN JEFF OWENS LEARNS THE MOVE...LATER IN THE WEEK OWENS SIGNED UP TO COMPETE IN THE STRONGMAN COMPETITION
6. RON JAWORSKI IS FIRED...JON GRUDEN REPLACES HIM...RON APOLOGIZES...JON SMIRKS
7. AL MICHAELS IS DISSED BY GRUDEN AND AL QUITS ON AIR...RATINGS IMMEDIATELY RISE
8. KORNHEIZER APPLIES...BUT IS DENIED AN INTERVIEW...MICHAEL BARKANN DOES PLAY-BY FOR ONE GAME BUT RE-INJURES HIS VOCAL CORD...DLed AGAIN
9. IN A SURPRISE MOVE REID ANNOUNCES THAT HE WILL BE RUNNING FOR MAYOR OF PHILADELPHIA...THE ELECTION IS CANCELLED...REID IS ELECTED BY UNANIMOUS ACCLAIMATION... HE APPOINTS HUGH DOUGLAS POLICE COMMISSIONER...CRIME RATE IMMEDIATELY DROPS WHEN DOUGLAS DECLARES THE CITY IS A "NO CRIME ZONE...K!" ...HOWARD ESKIN IS APPOINTED TO STREET COMMISION AND HAS MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED...AND NO ONE IS PRESENTLY SEARCHING FOR HIM...RILEY SCOTT WAS APPOINTED DUDE IN CHARGE OF ALL PARTIES WHICH WAS A NEW CABINET POSITION...ON ANOTHER FRONT, PAT'S AND GENO'S IN CELEBRATION OF REID'S ELECTION GIVE OUT FREE CHEESE STEAKS...IT IS REPORTED THAT REID HAD SEVEN...THAT REPORTER WOULD BE PUSHING A SLED OUT OF TOWN...COINDENCE OR NOT...RHEA HUGHES LEAVES PHILLIE FOR HAWAII....BUT STILL CALLS IN TO WIP...EACH TIME THE RATING DROP...CATALDI ENCOURAGES HER TO CALL MIKE MISSANELLI...MISSANELLI DENIES HE'S GAY SUPPORTING HUMOR
10. KORNHEIZER APPLIES FOR HUGH'S JOB...WIP LAUGHES
Sunday, December 12 at Dallas 8:20 p.m. WIN
There are few teams if any that garner more hatred from the Philadelphia fans than the dreaded Dallas Cowboys. This is a revenge game for Philly. "Fly Eagles fly" in the big Dallas dome. Prediction: Eagles 27 Cowboys 24
1. SCORE CORRECT...SORTA...27-6
2. REVENGE IS AN APT DESCRIPTOR...THE BREW OF PAY-BACK BUBBLED ALL WEEK
3. MARION BARBER PULLS UP LAME ON FIRST PLAY...LEAVES
4. TASHARD CHOICE TAKES A LOW PASS FROM TONY ROMO OFF THE FOOT BREAKING A TOE...LEAVES
5. JASON WITTEN REPEATEDLY GETS UNCLEATED BY SIMS AND BRADLEY...DROPS SEVEN BALLS
6. MILES AUSTIN CATCHES ONE SCREEN FOR A MINUS THREE YARDS
7. ROMO SCRAMBLES ALL DAY AND LEADS THE TEAM IN RUSHING YARDS...UNTIL...ROMO IS KNOCKED OUT...ACTUALLY UNCONSCIOUS...JERRY JONES IS SEEN UPENDING A TABLE...AS A FOOTNOTE TO THIS INCIDENT, REID IS CALLED TO LEAGUE'S HDQs, TOLD TO EASE UP...BANNER WINKED
8. THE BACK-UP LEFT THE GAME WITH AN ODD BROWN SPOT ON THE SEAT OF HIS PANTS
9. THREE BIRDS ARE FLAGGED AND EVENTUALLY FINED FOR UNSPORTSMAN PLAY...THEY WERE...STACY ANDREWS, QUINTIN DEMPS, AND KING DUNLAP...SURPRISINGLY ALL FINED PLAYERS WERE OVERPAID BY THE BIRDS (I.E., WESTBROOK) AND THE TEAM DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT
10. THE HERO OF THE GAME IS KOLB...HE CATCHES A TD...AND RUNS TWO IN (31 AND 47 YARDS) HE BEING A FOVORITE SON OF TEXAS AND THEY LOVE HIM
11. THE BIRDS BECOME AN ICONIC FOR DIRTY...THIS PROPELLS THEM AS THE SENTIMENTAL FAVORITE ...THEY ARE THE EVERYMAN...JOE BAG OF DONUTS...WALT WALK THE DOG...AVERAGE JOHN
12. J. JONES RANTS...COMPLAINS...WHINES...WAILS...AND MEDIA TURNS ON HIM...OUCH...THERE IS A GRASSROOT CAMPAIGN TO BOYCOTT THE SUPER BOWL...FANS START WEBSITES TO SUPOORT NOT ATTENDING THE GAME...CREDITORS BELIEVE THE HYPE...JONES HAS CASH FLOW ISSUES AND THE BANK IS THREATENING FORECLOSURE
13. DAVE SPADARO IS BARRED FROM THE STADIUM
14. MILITANT EAGLE FANS RENT A HELICOPTER AND SPRAY PAINT "EAGLES FLY" ON THE ROOF AND WALLS OF THE DALLAS DOME...JONES CAN'T AFORD TO HAVE IT POWER WASHED...HE FORCES WADE PHILLIPS TO JOIN HIMSELF, STEPHEN JONES, JERRY JONES, JR., CHARLOTTE JONES ANDERSON TO ERADICATE THE GRAFFITI...PHILLIPS BULKS BUT JONES POINTS TO AN EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE CLAUSE IN WADE'S CONTRACT...WADE OVERHAULS-UP AND IS BOOMED OUT TO SPRAY
Sunday, December 19 at NY Giants 1 p.m. WIN
Expect the Eagles to avenge their November 21ST loss. This is a game where WR DeSean Jackson further separates himself from the pack. The Giants will not have an answer. Prediction: Eagles 33 Giants 20
1. UGLY GAME...10-7...SNOW STORM...SNOWS THE ENTIRE GAME
2. GAME IS TITLED THE GREAT WHITE-OUT RUNNING WAR (MORGANTI)
3. FUMBLE AFTER FUMBLE MARE THIS CONTEST
4. THE GAME IS WON BY A KOLB SCRAMBLE...WHODA THUNK THAT
5. MANNING LIMPS OFF AGAIN...TEO IS SUSPENDED ONE GAME FOR A WWF BODY SLAM...SAPP IS GIVEN ONE GAME LATE HIT, SHOULDER TO THE JOHNSON...AND BUCKLEY ONE GAME FOR A DROP ELBOW TO THE CHEST WHICH CAUSED A BOOGEY TO FLY AND STRIKES THE GIANTS NEW HEAD COACH, RICH KOTITE, FALLING ON HIS CLIPBROAD CONFUSING HIM FROM THAT POINT ON (DUH!)
6. THE STANDS TURN INTO A HUGE FIGHT WHICH IS SHOWN ON EVERY TV NETWORK AND THE BIRDS VILLIANIZED...BUT AFTER A FURTHER STUDY BY BO WULF EVERY FIGHT WAS PRECIPITATED BY A GIANT'S FAN...TAPE WAS SENT TO LEAGUE OFFICE...WARRANTS FOR ARREST WILL FOLLOW
7. THE MANNING WIVES TWEET THAT ALL NFL QBs PLAYING THE BIRDS SHOULD UP THEIR INSURANCE ...CUED BY THE MANNINGS...POLICIES WERE CANCELLED
8. MID-GAME WILMA McNABB BLOGS, DON'T WORRY GIANT FANS...WE'LL SOME HAVE THEIR ARSES IN SLING...EARLIER THAT WEEK THE CASE WAS ASSIGNED TO JUDGE "MIDGE" RENDELL, THE GOV'S WIFE...THE McNABBS BELEIVED THAT SHE HELD SYMPATHY FOR THEIR CAMP...IN LIEU OF THAT INFOMATION ADDITIONAL LAW SUITS WERE FILED ALL HOPING TO RIDE THE WAVE
9. AROUND THE LEAGUE QBs HAD SUFFERED FROM THE BIRD FLU...SICK FOR THE BIRDS FLU...SICK OF THE BIRDS FLU 2...AND ONE FLU OF THE CUCKOO'S NEST
Sunday, December 26 Minnesota 1 p.m. WIN
I'm going out on a limb and saying that Brett Favre will not be the quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings by the time this game arrives. The Eagles will be focused and ready for the post-season. QB Kevin Kolb, and WR Jeremy Macklin, are emerging stars. Prediction: Eagles 23 Vikings 17
1. SCORE CORRECT...NEITHER TEAM NEEDS THIS SO BOTH EASE OFF THE GAS..PLAY BACK-UPS...MATIDOR AND I GOT HIM YOU TAKE HIM DEFENSE
2. FAVRE IS PROTECTED BENEATH A BALL CAP...AS A FOOTNOTE, HE WILL BE KNOCKED OUT IN THE PLAY-OFFS...BY THE BIRDS...NATURALLY
3. ALL TD SCORES COME ON RUNS BY TIGHT ENDS
4. BRAD CHILDRESS WINKS AT THE POST GAME INTERVIEWS...REID WINKS BACK...THEY ARE LATER SEEN SHARING RIBS TOGETHER
5. AFTER THE CONTEST SAL PAL INSISTS THAT MINNESOTA THREW THE GAME LETTING THE EAGLES WIN...HE WANTS THE LEAGUE TO INVESTIGATE...SAL PAL IS SUBSEQUENTLY BARRED BY COMMISSIONER BANNER FROM ALL NFL VENUES CALLING HIM A CONTROVERSY MONGER...HE PLANS ON SUING...BUT NO LAWYER WILL TAKE THE CASE ON A CONTINGENCY...CHEAP SOB!
Sunday, January 2 Dallas 1 p.m. WIN
The Cowboys will come into Philadelphia with something to prove. WR Austin Miles and RB Marion Barber will prove to be too much for the Eagles. We'll end the season on a sour note, but we'll be rested and ready come Playoffs time. Prediction: Eagles 20 Cowboys 24
1. HUGE BEYOND HUGE REVENGE GAME FOR BOTH SIDES...BOYS NEED IT TO GET INTO THE PLAYOFFS...HA...IRONY...PHILADELPHIA WANTS IT FOR THE UNDEFEATED SEASON AND THEIR FANS...REID WANTS THE I-TOLD-YOU-SO MOMENT...AND ROMO WANTS IT OVER
2. FROM THE KICK OFF, THE BIRDS PLACE ONE HUGE SPIKED BOOT ON THE NECK OF THE NOW COWGALS AND PRESS DOWN...CHOKING OFF ANY CHANCE TO WIN
3. SCORE IS 27-7...AND THE GAME WAS NEVER THAT CLOSE
4. BACK-UPS SCORE...INGRAM (2) AND CLAY HARBOR (2)...SAPP TRYING TO BE A KICKER MISSES AN EXTRA POINT...THE TEAM NEEDED A BACK-UP...AKERS WAS IN WASHINGTON D.C. AT A MANDATED MEETING...SAPP WENT 3-4...NOT TO SHABBY
5. KOLB THROWS FOR JUST SHY OF 5000 YARDS ON THE SEASON...SMOKES ROMO, MANNING, AND McNABB BY FIFTEEN FOOTBALL FEILDS EACH
6. McNABB IS FINALLY PROVEN TO BE A FARCE ONLY MADE RELEVENT BECAUSE OF REID'S SYSTEM AND GREAT DEFENSES...H.O.F. POSSIBILITIES SLIP...McNABB WHINES PUBLICLY AND HIS MOTHER BASHES REPORTERS FOR HURTING HER BABY BOY...SHE TREATENS TO SUE EVERYONE...POOR WOMAN!
7. JERRY JONES PUBLICLY CONFRONTS ANDY REID...PUSHES HIM...TAKES A SWING AT HIM...REID HURLS HIM OVER A PRESS TABLE...JONES THREATENS TO SUE...WILMA SCREAMS CLASS ACTION...THAT UGLY SCENE IS SHOWN ALL OVER EVERY MEDIA SOURCE
8. JONES IS FINED 1 MILLION DOLLARS...MONEY HE DOES NOT HAVE...HE TREATENS TO TAKE HIS STADIUM AND GO HOME...POOR SPORT!
9. JONES IS FORCED TO FILE FOR BANRUPTCY PROTECTION...OUCH!
10. THE SUPER BOWL IS MOVED IN THE GREAT BIRDING OF JERRY JONES...HELD ON A SATURDAY...ABOUT TIME
11. REID IS SUSPENDED FOR 3 GAMES...MISSES THE SUPER BOWL...BIRDS WIN...A STATUE IS PLANNED IN PHILLIE FOR HIM TO REPLACE THE STILL STANDING BEER MONUMENT.
12. AS A NOTENOTE, GENO'S ADDS MARINARA TO ITS SUPER-SIZED CHEESE STEAK AND RENAMES IT THE BIG RED...PAT'S COUNTERS WITH A VERSION OF THE DIRTY BIRD...A CHICKEN CHEESE STEAK
When all is said and done, I have the Philadelphia Eagles going 16-0 (CHANGED) and making the playoffs.
Birds put a record setting 17 players in the pro bowl, none play...why...Super Bowl Baby!
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Sunday, September 12 Green Bay 4:15 p.m. WIN
Opening the regular season at home against a Green Bay Packer team that went 11-5 last year should be a real test for QB Kevin Kolb, and the Eagles offense. The Packer defensive unit is solid and QB Aaron Rodgers is the real deal. Prediction: Eagles 17 Packers 20
1. SCORE TOO LOW... 45-44 WOULD BE MORE LIKE IT...THE GAME WILL LATER BE NAMED THE AIR SHOW...AND TALKED ABOUT FOR MANY YEARS...THE NIGHT THE LIGHTS WENT OUT ON McNABB
2. KOLB AND RODGERS BOTH THROW FOR OVER 400 YARDS
3. AS ANTICIPATED THIS MIGHT BE A VERY EMOTIONAL GAME FOR ALL BIRDS TO PROVE REID/KOLB THE RIGHT MOVE...FANS ERUPT WITH JOY...THEIR HATRED FOR #5 APTLY VALIDATED
4. AFTER A SCORE, DeSEAN JACKSON, AS IF A FEMALE GYMNAST FLIPS ONTO THE CROSSBAR, DANCES, DISMOUNTS WITH A FRONT SOMERSAUT, RECIEVING SCORES OF 9.3, 9.3 AND 8.1 FROM THE RUSSIAN JUDGE...FLAGGED...FINES FOLLOWED...WAS SENT TO REID'S WOODSHED
5. WINSTON JUSTICE REPEATEDLY DECLEATS RYAN PICKETT WHO REPLACED THE DRUG BURDENED AND SEASON SUSPENDED JOHNNY JOLLY...THE ONCE DT NOW PLAYING DE BEGGED TO BE BACK ACROSS FROM THOSE SMALLER GUARDS...HE THREW ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS WITH HIS REPLACEMENT B.J. RAJI...GOT BEAT AGAIN...SORRY DUDE
6. A.J. HAWK TRIED TO TACKLE CORNELIUS INGRAM WHICH RESEMBLED A SCENE FROM LORD OF THE RINGS WHERE A HOBBIT FIGHTS AN ORCS...OH WHAT A MERRY HOBBIT HAWK APPEARED...INGRAM WAS ANNOUNCING HE HAD ARRIVED
7. CHAD HALL WHO FILLED THE LAST ROSTER SPOT AS A BACK-UP PUNT RETURNED, KICK-OFF RETURNER, RUNNING BACK AND SLOT RECIEVER...GOT FOUR PLAYS IN THE GAME...ALL FOUR WERE HUGE...ONE INCREDIBLE EXAMPLE WAS WHEN HANK BASKETT FUMBLED THE BALL, IT RECOVERED BY NICK BARNETT AND HALL HITS HIM WITH A MYTHBUSTER BIGGER THAN NEEDED TACKLE CAUSES THE BALL TO EXPLOID FROM BARNETT'S GRASP...HALL RECOVERS IT AND SCAMPERS WITHOUT A SHOE AND HELMET (LOST IN HIT) THIRTY-SEVEN YARDS
8. THE STADIUM IS FILLED WITH CHEESESTEAK HEADS...BIRD BRAINS...FINATICAL FANS...FAR TOO LOUD AND FAR TO TIPSY (4:15 START)...JEFF LURIE TEXT MESSAGES JOE BANNER...BRING BACK THE COURT
9. DEFENSE WINS THE GAME...BOTH Ds WILL BE FAIR...BUT THE SPEED OF THE EAGLES IS BETTER
10. EVIL GLARES ARE SHOT FROM ANDY REID TO SEAN McDERMOTT...IMPLYING MEETING TO FOLLOW
11. SEAN McDERMOTT CRAWLS IN THE FACE OF DARRYL TAPP...TAPP HAS THREE SECOND HALF SACKS
12. FIVE LATE-HIT PENALTIES ARE CHARGED AGAINST THE BIRDS...RODGERS WALKS OFF BENT-OVER
13. REID SCREAMS AT McDERMOTT WHO GETS TERRELL OWENS-LIKE IN THE HEAD COACH'S FACE
14. STANDS EXPLOID WITH CHEERS AND BOOS...FIGHTS FOLLOW...IT WAS HEARD STATED BY NUMEROUS FANS, "THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER!"... THE KID COACH BECAME A MAN
15. AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT THE DEFENSE GELS...NOT ANOTHER POINT IS SCORED BY GREEN BAY
16. EAGLES WIN IN A SHOOT-OUT...HOW...WITH A PICK 6 TO WIN IT...ASSANTE SAMUELS HIGH-STEPS IN
17. REID IS ASKED ABOUT THE CONFRONTATION...HE QUIPS, "I SHOULD FIRE HIS COCKY ARSE!"
18. SEEING OPPORTUNITY AND IN A PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE...GARY COBB APPLIES FOR THE COACHING JOB
19. RESUME IS RETURNED TO SENDER...ADDRESS UNKNOWN...NO SUCH ADDRESS...NO SUCH ZONE
20. SEAN McDERMOTT SPURNS THE PRESS WITH A ZIPPED-LIP GESTURE AND DOES NOT SPEAK ALL YEAR
21. OUTRAGE HITS THE MEDIA AIRWAYS...RATINGS BEGIN TO RISE...CONTROVERSY SELLS COFFEE
22. ESPN TALKING HEADS PUBLICALLY SPANK REID AND McDERMOTT...MIKE GOLIC APPLAUDS BIRDS
23. MIKE GREENBERG AND GOLIC BUTT HEADS...GREENBERG GETS HUFFY...GOLIC GETS UP...GREENBERG RUNS FROM SET...ATTORNEY'S ARE NEGOTIATING THE CONSTRUCTION OF A SCREEN BETWEEN THEM...TEMPORARILY A SECURITY FORCE MONITORS THE SET OF THE SHOW
24. PRIOR TO THE FIRST GAME ANDY REID PLEDGED TO PROVIDE THREE CHEESESTEAKS WIT PER POINT SCORED, GIVEN TO FOOD MISSIONS...JILLIAN MICHAELS CALLS THAT AN OUTRAGE...GENOS AND PAT'S SUE HER FOR DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER...SHE LAWYERS UP AND IS DROPPED FROM THE CAST OF THE BIGGEST LOSER
Sunday, September 19 at Detroit 1 p.m. WIN
The Detroit Lions lost 14 games last year and have yet to demonstrate the competitive will to win. This will be a bounce back-game for the Eagles. Prediction: Eagles 30 Lions 17
1. SEAN McDERMOTT IS GIVEN A CONTRACT EXTENSION...REID WINKS
2. GAME IS CLOSER TO 24-14...FRICKEN BIRDS ARE PLAYING TO THE COMPOTITION...RADIO TALK SHOW HOSTS ARE SUDDENLY SLAPPED HAPPY ...THE NEGATIVE NELLIES CAN USE THAT FODDER...IN A RELATED INCIDENT RHEA HUGHES GETS INTO A FIGHT IN THE STANDS...SHE IS SEEN HEAD BUTTING A FAN WEARING A MIKE MANULA JERSEY...SHE LATER JUSTIFIED HER ACT THAT HE WAS ASKING FOR IT...A CIVIL SUIT WAS FILED ON BEHEST OF ALL MANULA JERSEY OWNERS
3. MATTHEW STAFFORD WENT 5-31...IN A CARTOONISH MOMENT HE WAS HIT SO HARD ON ONE TACKLE THERE WAS NOTICEABLE IMPRINT LEFT ON THE GROUND...THE HITTER...ASSANTE SAMEUL
4. 14 POINTS OF DETROIT ARE BOTH PICK-6s...OUCH...I TOLD YOU SO IS HEARD IN ECHOES ACROSS THE DELAWARE VALLEY...THAT COMPLAINT STARTED BY G. COBB
5. MARTY MORNHINWEG AND REID GET INTO A SHOUTING MATCH...AMIDST MAJOR BELLY BUMPING AND FLYING FINGERS REID SNATCHES THE GAME-PLAN CLIPBOARD...MORNHINWEG RIPS IT BACK...ALL PLAYERS RETREAT TWO PACES FROM THE ACTION...LINE JUDGE FLAGGED THEM... REID THREW HIS RED FLAG COUNTERING THEIR CALL...AGAIN HE WAS OVER-TURNED...LATER CHEESEBURGERS WILL BE SHARED
6. (NOTE: THE AFOREMENTIONED WERE THE LAST PICK-6s OF THE SEASON)
7. STARTING 0-7 KEVIN KOLB TURNS EFFICIANT... ENDS WITH 69% COMPLETION RATE...LESEAN McCOY AND LEONARD WEAVER LEAD THE WAY WITH THEIR BLOCKING...BALL IS SPREAD AROUND LIKE MELTED CHEESE ON A GRILLED SANDWICH...ELEVEN DIFFERENT PLAYERS HAVE A CATCH
8. BRENT CELEK SCORES...FREEZES INTO THE CAPTAIN MORGAN POSE...(NOTE HE MADE A DEAL WITH CAPTAIN MORGAN OVER THE SUMMER...THEY WILL PAY ANY FINES) FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
9. THE SHARK IN THE WATER, ERNIE SIMS, SHINES AND FEEDS...INT OR SACK...MAYBE BOTH...BOTH...THE STADIUM STARTS USING THE JAWS MUSIC TO SPIRIT SIMS ACCOMPLISHMENTS
10. DEFENSE SCORES...A FUMBLE RECOVERY AND RUN BY ELLIS HOBBS...HE DOES THE SQUAT AND KICK RUSSIAN DANCE...FLAGGED...FINED...HE'S SENT TO REID'S WOODSHED...HOBBS IS NICKNAMED THE BLACK RUSSIAN BY HUGH DOUGLAS
11. SPECIAL TEAMS SHINE...KNOCKING OUT THREE DETROIT PLAYERS...HITS ARE QUESTIONABLE DIRTY BUT THE COMMENTATORS GO ON AND ON...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
12. MEDIA QUESTIONS IN THE SUBSEQUENT WEEK ARE THE BIRDS DIRTY?...WAS THAT RHETORICAL ...THE FACTS WILL PROVE OUT THAT THESE BIRDS ARE FOCUSED TO PLAY JUST OVER THE EDGE OF THE RULES...DOES THAT MAKE THEM DIRTY?
13. COACH BOBBY APRIL ANTICIPATING THE FLACK STORM AND REFUSES TO SPEAK TO THE MEDIA...MEDIA TURNS HUFFY...MARK ECKEL IS REMOVED...HE SHIN KICKS SECURTY...HE IS TASED... THE FILM OF THE FLOPPING FISH BODY OF ECKEL BECOMES A POPULAR VIRAL VIDEO
14. MARTY MORNHINWEG ALSO REFUSES TO SPEAK TO THE MEDIA...WHY...HE WAS BUSY DEVOURING A CHEESE STEAK WIT...MEDIA, WHILE WAITING, TURNS HUFFY...PAUL DOMOWITZ IS MOVED TO THE REAR OF THE ROOM...HE POUTS...NO ONE NOTICED
15. REID, AT THE MANDITORY POST-GAME INTERVIEW, REPLIES..."TIME IS YOURS" NEVER ANSWERING A SINGLE QUESTION...USING EXPRESSIONS LIKE, WE'LL SEE...I DON'T KNOW...IT MIGHT HAPPEN...CAN'T SAY...I'LL LOOK INTO IT...ETC....MEDIA GETS HUFFY...LES BOWEN IS REMOVED, BEING DUG FROM THE ROOM SHOUTING FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS...STILL NOT ANSWERED
16. KOLB IS ASKED ABOUT THE PICK-6s, HE REPLIES, IS RE-ASKED, REPLIES, AND IS RE-ASKED... AND HE STEVE CARLTON'S VOWING NEVER TO DEAL WITH THE MEDIA AGAIN...REPEATEDLY FINED BY THE LEAGUE...CAPTAIN MORGAN OFFERS TO PAY THE FINES...IF...KOLB LEARNS THE POSE
17. T-SHIRTS ARE MADE AND THE PLAYERS BEGIN TO WEAR THEM...LOGO: DIRTY BIRD SHAT HAPPENS
18. SAL PAOLANTONIO LEAKS THE STORY ABOUT THE T-SHIRTS AND IS BARRED FROM THE EAGLES LOCKER ROOM FOR THE SEASON...HE WHINES PUBLICALLY...NO ONE CARES
19. JON DORENBOS CUTS A DEAL WITH SLIMFAST DOING HIS MAGIC...THE CATCH LINE IS SLIMFAST CAN MAKE IT DISAPPEAR...ANDY REID SIE-EYES HIM WHILE MORNHINGWEG HAIRY-EYES...BOTH ARE OFFENDED...DORENBOS USES THE RESIDUALS TO BUY CHEESSTEAKS TO BE ADDED TO REID'S CHARITY...WOODSHEDING IS OVERTED
Sunday, September 26 at Jacksonville 4:05 p.m. WIN
This will be the Eagles second straight away game against a team with a losing record in 2009. Jacksonville Jaguars does have a solid defense when healthy, but the Eagles are simply too good. Prediction: Eagles 24 Jaguars 13
1. MORNHINWEG IS GIVEN A CONTRACT EXTENSION...CELEBRATES WITH CARBOHYDRATE OVERDOSE
2. LIKE THE SCORE...SORTA...MORE LIKE 31-13...POSSIBLY 38-13...YUP 41-10
3. McCOY HAS A HUGE GAME...SPIKES A PLAYER (PLANTS A CLEAT IN THEIR BELLY) DURING A NIFTY RUN...FIGHT ERUPTS...DURING THE SCUFFEL SHADY DEFINDS THE GENESIS OF HIS NAME WITH A KNEE TO THE NARDS...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
4. JASON PETERS SEEING THE FIGHT SPRINTS TO HELP, YUP, SPRINTS, THUMPS THAT JACKSONVILLE PLAYER WITH A RUNNING SLAM EYE-POPPING TACKLE...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
5. RUN GAME SPONTANEOUSLY EMERGES...McCOY LEFT...RETURNED AFTER PEEING...CHARLES SCOTT OVER THE MIDDLE...BELL RIGHT...WEAVER IS TOSSED FROM THE GAME FOR A DOUBLE ARM FLING OF THEIR WILL LB...HIS REVERENT LICENSE IS SUSPENDED BARRING REVIEW... FINED... WOODSHED...WHY THE RUNNING SUCCESS...PETERS HAD STOOD IN THE OFFENSIVE HUDDLE AND STATED, "THEIR ARSE IS GRASS AND I'M THE MOWER!" KOLB TRYING TO LAUGH POPPED A SNOT BUBBLE...PETERS MOWS THE JACKSONVILLE LAWN...LATER EVERYONE CALLED HIM THE LAWNMOWER MAN...ON A RELATED NOTE MAURICE JONES-DREW TWEETS HIS AGENT AND ASKS FOR A TRADE TO PHILLIE
6. TWO QUICK TDs BY THE EAGLES IN THE AIR...MACLIN AND AVANT...THEN THEY RUN THE GAME OUT...BEHIND PETERS AND TODD HERREMANS...BEHIND THE ENCHANTING HERREMANS'S SMILE HE STARTS MAKING A LAWNMOWER SOUND...BURRRRRR...WHICH IS PICKED UP BY THE OTHER FOUR O-LIMEMAN...BURRRRR...PRIOR TO ANY SNAP A BUZZING GROWS IN VOLUME...JAGUAR FANS CATCH ON...STANDS HUM...TV NETWORK HATES IT...WORLD CUP ALL OVER AGAIN...THEY PLAN AN INTERVENTION...IT FAILS...THEY PURCHASE AUDIO FILTERS
7. BRENDAN GRAHAM GETS TWO SACKS...SEVENTEEN HURRIES...BOTH SACKS ARE ESPN PLAYS OF THE WEEK...EPIC HITS...LATER, CHRIS BERMAN NICKNAMES HIM BRENDAN GRAHAM CRACKERS DEM...NO ONE LIKES IT...CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS JOIN US IN THE NEW MILLENNIUM...GRAHAM IS HEARD SHOUTING, I DON'T NEED LONG ARMS TO PLANT A QB...SUZY KOLBER ON THE SIDELINES NOT AS PART OF THE GAME DAY CREW, HEARS HIS RANT, GRABS A MIKE AND (IN THIS CASE IT WAS A GOLIC) AND A CAMERA CREW AND TRIES TO INTERVIEW GRAHAM...HE JUST GROWLS AND SNARLS...HE'S LATER NICKNAMED T-REX BY HUGH DOUGLAS...NAME STICKS
8. TEO (DANIEL TE'O-NESHEIM) GETS ONE REMARKABLE SACK...LAUNCHES HIMSELF ON A TEN FOOT FLIGHT TO GET IT...QB DAVID GARRARD SADLY LEAVES GAME...PUBLICALLY HOLDING HIS NARD SACK...TEO IS NICKNAMED B-BUSTER (DOUGLAS, AGAIN)...HEADLIND WRITTERS GRIN... GARRARD/NARD OOHH THE POSSIBILITIES
9. NATE ALLEN GETS AN INT...WHILE ON THE 31 YARD RETURN HE IS HIT WHILE SLIPPING OUT OF BOUNDS...THE UNSPORTSMANSHIP WAS ON THE EAGLE'S SIDELINES...DUMB MOVE...TEMPERS FLARED AND THE JACKSONVILLE PLAYER WAS PUMMELLED...ULTIMATELY, HURLED BACK ONTO THE FIELD BY JEFF OWENS...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED...HE WHO ME-ed ANYONE WHO'D LISTEN
10. FINES FLOW THIS DAY LIKE WINE AT A ROMAN TOGA PARTY...THE NATIONAL MEDIA LAMBASTS THE BIRDS' DIRTY PLAY...STEVEN A. SMITH TELLS ALL WHO'D LISTEN...THEY WEREN'T DIRTY WITH McNABB...STEVEN A. SMITH BECOMES PERSONNA NON GRATA IN THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE
11. REID, AGAIN, IS THE ONLY ONE INTERVIEWED..."TIME IS YOURS." AND ADDS "OUR PLUMBER IS NEEDING WORK" "CAN ANYONE HELP HIM?" MEDIA IS HUFFY...VAI SIKAHEMA IS REMOVED...HE TOOK THE ROAD TRIP, A RARITY, CLAIMING, NO BRAGGING, HE AND ANDY WERE TIGHT AND COULD BREAK THE STONEWALLING...HA-HA-HA!
12. AL MORGANTI FIGURED OUT HIS OBSCURE REFERENCE...NOTES, THEY HAD PLUGGED THEIR LEAKS
13. STACY ANDREWS IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE SOLIDARY SUPPORT FOR HIS BROTHER SHAWN ANDREWS SHAVES HIS HEAD INTO A MOHAWK, BUT IT IS LATER LEARNED HE IS A MR. T AND A-TEAM FAN...HE IS NICKNAMED MR. A (DOUGLAS) AND HIS BROTHER, MR. A-HOLE (ESKIN)...SHAWN TWEETS I'M GONNA GET ESKIN AFTER I GET MY MICHAEL PHELPS ON...ESKIN PLANS ON GETTING HIM TO SIGN A FOOTBALL AND A BONG
Sunday, October 3 Washington 4:15 p.m. WIN
This nationally televised game will be the "can't miss" event for all Philadelphia Eagles fans. The return of Donovan McNabb (as a Washington Redskin) to the place he called home for over a decade. Prediction: Eagles 30 Redskins 27
1. THE SCORE MORE LIKELY IS 37-21 (FAR TOO CLOSE)
2. THE TIME AND PLACE ARE JUST WRONG...TAILGATING IS AT AN ALL TIME HIGH (KEY WORD, HIGH)
3. WASHINGTON TAKES A LEAD INTO THE SECOND HALF...THE FAN SILENCE IS BEYOND SCARY...THIS CAUSES CHANNEL SURFING THUMB THROUGHOUT THE PHILADELPHIA AREA...RATINGS DROP
4. REID IS HEARD THROUGH THE LOCKERROOM WALLS AT HALF-TIME RIPPING NEW ANAL PASSAGES...MEDIA SNICKER...SECURITY CLEARS THE HALL...STAN HOCHMAN THERE TO MAKE A POINT WAS COLLARED AND WALKED OUT...WHAT WAS HOCHMAN'S POINT...GREAT QUESTION...HE A MAN WHO HAS BEEN POINTLESS FOR THE LONGEST TIME ACTUALLY HAD NONE...IMAGINE THAT
5. DERRICK GUNN RECORDS THE REID RANT AND PLAYS IT AS A COMCAST EXCLUSIVE AND IT QUICKLY MAKES THE TOP 10 YouTube VIDS...GUNN IS INNUDATED WITH NATIONAL INTERVIEW REQUESTS...BORED GUNN SHAVES ALL FACIAL HAIR...THE POST-RANT REID GAINS NEW RESPECT, IT IS BORN ANEW IN THE FANS...HUGH DOUGLAS COINS SPRAY IT DON'T SAY IT...BIG RED T-SHIRTS (XXXL AND RED) ARE MARKETED BY A LOCAL T-SHOP...THE OVER-SIZED GARMENT IS AN INSTANT HIT...MAYOR NUTTER BEGINS TO WEAR IT...THE HANGER-ONERS' POPULARTY PLUMMETS
6. DURING THE GAME, COACH APRIL AND REID HAVE AT EACH OTHER...APRIL PULLS OUT SOME TRASH BARRELS AND DEMOSTRATES THE PROPER TECHNIQUE TO FIGHT IN PUBLIC...MEMOS TO FOLLOW...SEE BULLENTIN BOARD...SAPP ASKS APRIL IF HE WANTS HIM TO SWEEP REID'S LEGS
7. BECAUSE OF THE NATIONAL AUDIANCE THE EAGLES' DIRTY BIRD HEADWEAR IS UNVEILED... DESIGNED BY A LOCAL ENTREPENEUR...AN ATLANTA NOVELTY BIDNESS SUES HIM...THE FOLLOW-UP PRESS AMPS UP SALES...IT IS LATER DISCOVERED BY INVESTIGATION REPORTER SAL PAL, THAT THE TWO WERE IN COHOOTS...SPECTULATION EXISTS THEY STORY WAS RELEASED BECAUSE THEY REFUSED TO CUT SAL PAL IN FOR A PERCENTAGE... THE AFOREMENTIONED REGALIA IS LIKE A COONSKIN CAP...DROOP NECK IN THE REAR AND A TAIL WITH THE DIRTY BUTT END IN FRONT, YES, IT WAS DIRTY...EAGLE SHAT DIRTY...ORIGINALLY THE DIRTY BIRD, ULTIMATELY IS CALLED THE DOODOO-BIRD, COINED BY KEITH JONES...LATER, JONES WEARS THE DOODOO-BIRD LID WHILE DOING HIS HOCKEY FOR VERSUS..."AY!" SPAT MIKE MILBURY, WHICH WAS ODD CONSIDERING HE WAS AMERICAN BUT THE ASTUTE HOCKEY COMMENTATOR KNEW BREAD/BUTTER AND RIGHT SIDE
8. McNABB IS SACKED 5-7 TIMES...NO, 7-9...NO, 10 TIMES...WHINES...LIMPS OFF HOLDING WRIST...HIS MOTHER IS SEEN THROWING CHEESE FRIES, LATER, BLOGS, THIS IS A SACK-ON-BLACK CRIME
9. JEFF OWENS, RE-PULLED FROM THE PRACTICE SQUAD, VIOLENTLY SQUASHES McNABB...PUTS HIM OUT...AS HE'S HELPED OFF THE FANS MICHAEL IRWIN HIM, CHEER...THEY WILL NEVER LEARN?
10. LES BOWEN REPORTS THAT OWENS SAID HE WANTED TO SPANK THE BABY...OWENS DENIED ANY SUCH COMMENTS...OWENS WAS NICKNAMED, THE PUDGY PADDLE (DOUGLAS)
11. WASHINGTON TRIES TO RUN OUT THE CLOCK WITH THEIR RUN GAME...BUT OWENS PADDLES THEM...SQUASHING ONE BACK AFTER ANOTHER...BOUNCING EACH OFF THE GROUND AND PLANTING A DOUBLE SQUASHING...WHEN HE CAN, SAPP PILES ON...YUP!
12. THE OLD RUNNERS WILL GET BITCH SLAPPED BY THE BIRD'S SPEED, AGRESSION AND WEIGHT..."I QUIT" IS HEARD BY ONE OLD BACK, POSSIBLY LARRY JOHNSON, BEMOANED TO HIS BACKFIELD COACH...THAT COACH WALKS OFF THE FIELD, RANTING, "I CAN SELL INSURANCE!"
13. A FUMBLE RECOVERY BY TAPP...IS RETURNED FOR A SCORE TO CEMENTS THE WIN...THE DAISYCHAIN PADDLE CELEBRATION IS FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
14. OF COURSE PHILLIE FANS ARE VILLIFIED BY THE NATIONAL MEDIA PARTLY MOSTLY BECAUSE THEIR HISTORY AND PARTLY BECAUSE ITS A CLICHÉ ...NOW, McNABB FAILED TO WIN THOUGH HE PLEDGED IT...SUPPORTERS FOR HIM RALLIED ON THE AIRWAVES...ALL TWO
15. REID DEFENDS THE FANS IN UNREID-LIKE PUBLIC TIRADE...DROPPING A WORD OF FOUR-LETTERS...AND IT WAS NOT FART...REID LATER APOLOGIZES FOR BEING INAPPROPRIATE...CITING CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE...KKKK! THE THICH SYRUP OF IRONY CAN BE HEAVY...HE IS FINED... AND WHEN ASKED ABOUT IT...HIS ANSWER WAS ONLY THREE WORDS, "TIME IS YOURS!"
16. MANAGEMENT HAS NO COMMENT...BANNER WAS INTERVIEWED WHILE SHOOTING HOOPS WEARING 76ERS #12 JERSEY, EVAN TURNER...HE WENT 2 FOR 23 FROM THE LINE...SEVEN WERE BLOCKED BY HOWIE...(THEY WERE FOULD SHOTS!) HOWIE ROSEMAN DID NOT CARE...NO ONE SCORES ON HIM
17. ALL PLAYERS HAVE TAKEN A NO INTERVIEW POLICY...THEY ARE GALVANIZED, WHICH REDUCES THE MEDIA TO CONJECTURE, INNUENDO, HALF-TRUTHS, ULTIMATELY, 37% LOSE THEIR JOBS
18. CELEK TWEETS THAT McNABB SHOULD RETIRE...GAINS NATIONAL ATTENTION AND NEW TWEETEES ... McNABB REPLIES ON YARDBARKER THAT HE SHOULD KEEP ME OUTTA HIS MOUFF...CELEK RE-TWEETS I TYPED IT...DUH! TOO MANY HITS TO YOUR HEAD...MAYBE, BY YOUR MOMMY!...CELEK LATER APOLOGIZES CITING HE WENT TOO FAR...BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND...HE AND McNABB HAVE AN UGLY HISTORY...McNABB SOOTHES HIS PAIN WITH CHEESE NACHOS
Sunday, October 10 at San Francisco 8:20 p.m. WIN
This will be a tough game. San Francisco 49ers is a well coached, running team with RB Frank Gore, and the Eagles will be coming off an emotional game. Close. Prediction: Eagles 20 49ers 23
1. COACH APRIL'S CONTRACT IS EXTENDED...IMAGINE THAT!
2. SCORE/LOSS SEEM RIGHT CONSIDERING THE BIRDS DON'T GO WEST COAST WELL...BUT... REMEMBER THAT AFORE BUT...KKKKK!
3. THE STADIUM IS PACKED WITH DIRTY BIRD'S FANS...THEY TRAVEL WELL...SINGLETARY LATER WHINES ABOUT SF FANS...HE IS SUBSEQUENTLY ACCUSED OF GAY BASHING...THE CLAIM MADE BY A RADICAL LOCAL PUBLICATION
4. FRANK GORE HAS A TWELVE YARD DAY...SAD...BREAKS HIS HELMET...HE AND SINGLETARY JABBER-JAW...SPITTLE FLIPPED AS WEAPONS...GORE DECLARES HE PULLED A HAMMY
5. TAYLOR MAYS HAS A HUGE GAME UNTIL HE CLOCKS D. JACKSON...A HELL IS RELEASED...EVERY PLAY POST JACKSON HIT FINDS MAYS ON HIS ARSE...INGRAM RISING 41 INCHES FOR A CATCH KNEES MAYS IN THE MUG...DENTAL WORK TO FOLLOW...MAYS KNOCKED OUT OF GAME... CORNELIUS INGRAM IS FLAGGED... FINED... WOODSHED
6. SAPP GETS A SACK...SURPRISING NO ONE IT WAS A BORDERLINE DIRTY HIT...GETS UP AND GETS FLAGGED FOR A VILE GESTURE...FINED...WOODSHED...HE GETS THE NICKNAME THE DIRTY DIGIT (KEITH JONES)...SAPP'S FINE IS PAID BY ISOTONER...HE CHANGES HIS GLOVES
7. BIRDS GET 3 INTs...ALL BY ALLEN...ALL TIPPED BY LBs...ALL RETURNED 20+ YARDS EACH
8. EAGLES WIN THIS WITH HUGE CATCHES BY CELEK/JEREMY MACLIN...LATE SCORE AND THE FINAL IS 23-17...EAGLES WIN...EAGLES WIN...EAGLES WIN!
9. CHRIS COLLINGSWORTH DECLARES THE BIRDS THE DIRTIEST TEAM IN NFL HISTORY... REID COMMENTS THAT COLLINGSWORTH WON NOTHING...WINNING WAS ALIEN TO HIM...REID WAS FINED...FANS SET UP WEBSITE, IN ANDY WE TRUST AND PAY THE FINE... COLLINGSWORTH GOES ON A PUBLIC RANT...NO ONE LISTENED BUT HBO...THEY HAD TO... REID REFUSES TO ENGAGE IN THAT DEBATE...MORE BIG RED T-SHIRTS ARE SOLD... EAGLES' MANAGEMENT HAS NO COMMENT BUT FOR A SERIES OF COY SMIRKS
10. ALL WILL LATER LEARN THAT MIKE SINGLETARY IS FINED FOR PULLING DOWN HIS PANTS A 2ND TIME IN THE LOCKER ROOM SCOLDING HIS PLAYERS...THE AFOREMENTIONED GAY PUBLICATION PRINTS AN APOLOGY...SINGLETARY IS FINED...REPLIES, "KISS MY BLACK ARSE!" RE-FINED AND SUSPENDED
11. BANNER IS SEEN PUBLICLY WEARING A # 14 FLYERS SWEATER (GO LAPPY)
12. AS A FOOTNOTE: COLLINGSWORTH'S WIFE DULY EMBARRASSED, LEFT CHRIS. HE TOOK A HIATUS TO TRY TO WORK IT OUT. SHE HAS HIRED ELIN WOOD'S ATTORNEY...OUCH!
Sunday, October 17 Atlanta 1 p.m. WIN
Atlanta Falcon's vulnerabilities against the pass play to the Eagles strengths. Andy Reid coached teams always play well after a loss. Prediction: Eagles 28 Falcons 14
1. THIS GAME WILL BE CLOSER... 21-20... BUT FOR THIS PIECE I'LL PREDICT 31-13...LIKE THE BIRDS...OOPS...THE EAGLES
2. DIRTY BIRD HEADS FILL THE STANDS...BOTH SIDES...IRONY RULES
3. THIS IS WHERE THE EAGLES DEFENSE RISES TO COMPLETELY CONTROL THE RUN
4. MATT RYAN IS SPEARED BY RICKY SAPP...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
5. RYAN IS LATE HIT BY TRENT COLE...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
6. RYAN IS CRUSHED BY JUQUA PARKER...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
7. RYAN IS DOG PILED BY ENTIRE D-LINE...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
8. RYAN LEAVES WITH AN ANKLE...THE OTHER IS ON FIELD HURTING
9. LATER, WILMA McNABB OFFERS RYAN A SPOT IN HER CLASS ACTION LAW SUIT AGAINST THE EAGLES...CITING A CONSPIRACY WITH THE INTENT TO HURT...IT'S FOOTBALL!
10. FANS CHEER THE ABOVE RYAN TRAGEDIES AND ARE LIKEN TO THE BLACKHEARTED DEVILS BY JOHN SMALLWOOD...THAT MONDAY A FEMALE CALLED INTO WIP ABOUT THE AFORE AND SAID, I KNOW JOHN AND HE HAS A SMALL WOOD FCC ASKED THE RADIO STATION TO CONTROL CALLS
11. BRAIN BALDINGER, DOING THE GAME, GOES VERBALLY BALLISTIC ON THE NETWORK'S HALF-TIME CREW...HE SMASHES HIS FIST, BREAKS THE MIKE STAND, DROPS THE F-BOMB AND IS IMMEDIATELY SUSPENDED 3 GAMES... WITH BALDINGER OFF THE AIR HIS BROADCAST PARTNER HAS A PANIC ATTACK AND WALKS OUT LEAVING DEAD AIR FOR FIVE MINUTES...RATINGS SOAR
12. THE BACK-UP QB THROWS FOUR INTs...ERNIE SIMS, STEWARD BRADLEY, JOSELIO HANSON, AND BRODRICK BUNKLEY
13. THE PRODUCER USES SIDELINE SOUND AND A NEW AGE IN BROADCASTING IS BIRTHED
14. KOLB/VICK HAVE A HUGE GAME (PASSING) BUT NOT ON THE SCOREBOARD...MICHAEL VICK RUNS FOR 80 YARDS...RAN IT UP IN THEIR FACE...FLAGGED FOR UNSPORTSMAN PLAY
15. 3 TDS ARE RUN IN...VICK...WEAVER...COOPER/McCOY (THE HAD JOINT CUSTODY OF THE BALL AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN THE NFL THE SCORE IS SHARED
16. REID HONORS THE TWELTH MAN (THE FANS) STATING...THIS DOUBLE CHEESEBURG IS FOR YOU...HE GOBBLES THE MEAT TREAT AT THE NEWS CONFERENCE...AND HE IS NOT NEAT ABOUT IT... THE BIGGEST LOSER, DANCING WITH THE STARS AND DANCING YOUR ASS OFF CALL REID HOPING HE'D BE A GUESS CELEBRITY...BOB BROOKOVER, JEFF McLANE, AND JONATHAN TAMARI EACH BROKE PIECES OF THE AFORE STORY...IT IS LATER DICOVERED TO BE A HOAX PERPATRATED BY STAN HOCHMAN LEAKS... FINALLY, HE SAID HE DID IT...WHY... FOR SHATS AND GIGGLES...HOCHMAN BARRED FROM ANY JOURNALISTIC FUNCTION TURNS TO BECOMING A FOOD CRITIC...ULTIMATELY DISTROYING THE CREDIBILITY OF THAT INDUSTY AS HE DID THE PHILLIE SPORTS REPORTING INDUSTRY
Sunday, October 24 at Tennessee 1 p.m. WIN
The 2009 season saw flashes of greatness from Tennessee Titan QB Vince Young. This will not be enough to beat a more balanced, explosive team in the Eagles. Prediction: Eagles 35 Titans17
1. SCORE IS RIGHT-ISH...EXCEPT THAT IT'S 38-7
2. YOUNG SACKED 7 TIMES...GIVES UP 3 INTs...LOSES 2 FUMBLES...GETS BENCHED...LOSES HIS JOB...QUITS THE TEAMS AND ENDS UP AS A MALE STRIPPER...FUMBLING TIPS
3. DAVID AKERS ON A FAKE KICK TAKES A LATERAL AND ADVANCED IT TO THE TWO YARD LINE...REID IN AN ACT OF RESPECT PUT AKERS IN AT RB, TENNESSEE EXPECTING THE FAKE IGNORES AKERS WHO IS HANDED THE BALL AND WALKS IN FOR THE TD...WOW!
4. KOLB HAS 4 TDs...CELEK...JACKSON (2)...CORNELIUS INGRAM...ALL FOUR TDs ARE FROM PASSES FIRST COMPLETED TO MACLIN THEN LATERALLED TO THE AFORE PLAYERS...THE BIRDS ARE SCOLDED FOR BEING HOT DOGS...REID CORRECTS, CHEESE STEAKS WIT
5. McCOY RUNS ONE IN...HAS HIS TROUSERS TORN FROM HIM...FURTHER EXPLAINING SHADY
6. WEAVER WHILE DEBATING A PREVIOUS PLAY FORCED THE BIRDS INTO A TIME OUT...REID FLAGGED HIM...FINED HIM...WOODSHEDED HIM...WEAVER PLANS A APOLOGY...BEEN THERE DONE THAT, HE THOUGHT
7. IN UTTER AMAZEMENT AKERS HAS THREE SOLO TACKLES...APRIL BEGAN USING HIM AS A WEDGE BUSTER...A MARITAL ARTS MASTER HE CHOPS THROUGH THEIR DEFENSE
8. THE ONE TIME TE JASON PETERS CATCHES A PASS...TODD HERREMANNS CATCHES A PASS...JAMAR CHANNEY CATCHES A PASS...JEFF OWENS CATCHES A PASS...HANK BASKETT DROPS THE ONLY BALL THROW HIS WAY...HE TWEETS HIS WIFE...KENDRA WILKINSON HAS YET TO REPLY
9. ELLIS HOBBS GETS HURT...DAMN...AND IS LOST FOR THE SEASON...THE DAILY NEWS WRITING TEAM IMMEDIATELY WRITES...EAGLES' SEASON IS OVER...PESSIMISM RULES!
10. IT IS POINTED OUT THAT THERE ARE MORE EAGLES FANS IN THE STANDS THAN TITAN'S FANS...THE COMMENTATOR STATES, THE NFL SHOULD OUTLAW EAGLES FANS...HIS HOME WAS REPAINTED IN RAW EGGS TONES...ATTA BIRDS!
11. AT THIS POINT IN THE SEASON BIRDS LEAD THE LEAGUE IN UNSPORTSMAN PENALTIES
12. SEAN McDERMOTT IS STILL NOT TALKING
13. REID RESPONDS WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE DEFENSE, "TIME IS YOURS" SMIRKS
14. 2,500 FANS GREET THE TEAM AT THE AIRPORT...TWELVE PLAYERS ARE WEARING DIRTY BIRD HEADGEAR...REID IS WEARING A BIG RED T-SHIRT
15. AKERS ANNOUNCES HE HAS BEEN APPOINTED BY REP. JON RUNYAN AS AN ADVISOR FOR THE NATIONAL DEFENCE..ERIK KUSELIAS IS ADDED AS HIS AID
16. REID IS ASKED WHY THEY SPREAD THE BALL TO SO MANY DIFFERENT AND UNUSUAL PASS CATCHERS...HE REPSONDS, "TIME IS YOURS!" MEDIA GETS HUFFY...TOM LAWLOR IS REMOVED FOR LAUGHING SO LOUD THAT HE WAS EMBARRASSING EVERYONE
Sunday, October 31 BYE WEEK
1. IN AN ACT OF FEIGNED SOLIDARITY ANGELO CATALDI REFUSES TO TALK ABOUT THE BIRDS JOINING THE SHUN OF THE MEDIA...NO ONE NOTICES SO HE TELLS EVERYONE DAILY...NO ONE CARES
2. RAY DIDINGER WHINES ABOUT HOW HE ALWAYS KNOWS BETTER...HIM BEING A H.O.F.er ET AL...MICHAEL BARKANN KEPT KISSING DIDINGER'S OVERRATED AND OUT-OF-TOUCH ARSE AS DIDINGER READS HIS OWN NOTES IN A ACT OF SELF-PROMOTION (HE BELIEVING HE'S AN ERUDITE...I.E., BETTER THEN THE REST OF US)
3. DIDINGER IS FIRED FOR BEING TOO CRITICAL AND WASTING FANS TIME WHILE TAKING UP DEAD SPACE...WHY...THERE IS A CONTINUAL HUGE PUBLIC OUTRAGE DELUGING COMCAST...COMCAST NOTICED THEIR RATINGS WERE STEADILY DROPPING WITH HIM...HE IS REPLACED BY CATALDI AND THE RATING CONTINUE TO FALL...WHY...CATALDI DOESN'T DO POSITIVE MEDIA WELL...HE WAS LIKE A SPARK IN A SNOWSTORM...OUCH!
4. MIKE QUICK INTERVIEWS FOR THE SPOT ON THE PANEL BUT BORING DOES NOT SELL
5. EVENTUALLY, COMCAST HIRES MIKE GOLIC'S BRO BOB GOLIC...ALL'S WELL FOR ABOUT A WEEK...BUT THEN THE CONCASTET BEGINS TO LEAK...LITERALLY, PISSING ON EVERYONE... COMCAST IS PUT IN A DIFFICULT POSTION...BUT MONEY RULES
6. RHEA HUGHES AFTER QUESTIONING PLAY CALLING IS BARRED FROM THE LINC
7. AL MORGANTI BECOMES THE VOICE OF REASON...NOTING "BOSTON WOULD DO IT WORST"
8. KEITH JONES BUYS A NEW DIRTY BIRD LID...REPLACES BOB GOLIC...HE IS AS BIG OF A HIT AS A FIVE-RUN HOMERUN...HE INVITES EVERYONE TO JOIN HIM A DELAWARE PARK
9. HUGH DOUGLAS TELLS THE NATIONAL MEDIA, BIG RED IS THE GREATEST COACH EVER...DOUGLAS IS IMMEDIATELY CUT OFF THE AIR WHEN HE INSISTS THAT ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH HIM CAN KISS HIS BLACK A...! (CUT OFF IN MID-WORD)
10. G. COBB TELLS ANYONE WHO'D LISTEN HE KNEW THE BIRDS WERE GREAT...SEVEN HEARD
11. ANTHONY GARGANO PENS A POIGNANT TOME ABOUT HEROES, IT'S PICKED UP NATIONALLY...OLD DRUNKEN MALE EAGLES FANS ADMIT PUBLICLY THAT GARGANO MADE THEM CRY...GARGANO IS GIVEN A BOOK DEAL TO AUTHOR HEROES IN JOURNALISM...HE DECLINES RECOGNIZING THAT HE HAD A LIMITED SUBJECT...HE'S GOOD NOT THAT GOOD
12. GLEN MACNOW QUITS WIP AFTER A FAN PHYSICALLY CONFRONTS HIM IN PUBLIC...BUT THE TRUTH WAS HE WAS QUITE JEALOUS OF GARGANO'S WRITING SKILLS AND SUCCESS
13. HOWARD ESKIN GLOATS KNOWING HE WAS REID'S BUTT MUNCHER EXTRAORDINAIRE...HE PLANNED ON GETTING FOOTBALLS SIGNED LATER BY KOLB AND VICK
14. IKE REESE CONTINUES TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EAGLES, CUTTING VETS, AND MONEY... SLOWLY LOSING CRED...BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT...REESE FINALLY MOVES TO CLEVELAND AFTER A HUGE FAN OUTCRY...HE IS STILL COMPLAINING...WHATA M.O.!
15. RON JAWORSKI TELLS ANYONE WHO'D LISTEN HE ALWAYS EXPECTED THIS SUCCESS...G. COBB'S SEVEN WERE THE ONLY LISTENERS...ESPN NOTICED...A MEETING WAS CALLED... JAWS WAS UNMASKED BY JOE THEISMANN AS BEING TWO-FACED (IRONIC, HUH?)
16. PAUL DOMOWITCH HAS NO THOUGHTS...AS USUAL...WROTE THEM...WHO CARES
17. ED RENDELL AS A PRE-EMPTIVE POLITICAL MANEUVER MOVES TO WASHINGTON D.C....BCOMES A McNABB FAN (IRONY) STATING HE HAD ALWAYS BEEN ONE BUT FOR CATALDI'S URGING...HE BUYS A HOUSE ON McNABB'S STREET AND NOW DOES POST-GAME FOR COMCAST WASHINGTON...HE'S HOPING FOR AN OBAMA APPOINTMENT...NONE COMING
18. MARCUS HAYES SENSES HATRED...TAKES A JOB AT SYRACUSE TEACHING WRITING... STUDENTS HATE HIM...BOYCOTT HIS CLASS...UNIVERSITY RELEASES HIM...HE IS WORKING AT MANNY'S SELLING T-SHIRTS...AND AT NIGHTS BUSSING TABLES AT DINOSAUR BAR-B-Q
19. LES BOWEN IS BANNED FROM COMCAST OUT OF FEAR OF FURTHER LOSS OF VIEWERSHIP
20. VAUGHN HEBRON GETS A NEW FREE WARDROBE DEAL BUT STILL HAS NOTHING TO SAY
21. DERRICK GUNN MAKES A BUNCH OF BROWNIE POINTS KISSING PLAYER'S ARSES
22. KATHY ROMANO BECOMES AN ICONIC IMAGE...THE PREVIOUS WEEK SHE COLD-COCKED A DRUNK AT CHICKIES...MICHAEL BARKANN GOT SO EXCITED THAT HE PULLED A VOCAL CORD...GOES ON DNL-DL...BARKANN IS REPLACED BY KATHY ROMANO WHO THREATENS EVERYONE ON THE PANEL...SCARES THE POOP OUT OF THEM ALL...WHY?...SHE HAS BELIEVE-ME EYES...AND THEY KNEW A HELLEVA RIGHT CROSS...ALL LEAVE AND ARE REPLACED BY DAVE SPADARO, BO WULF, AND CHRIS McPHERSON...THEY FIGURATIVELY KISS HER SOFT PINK ARSE AND ALL'S WELL...RATING SOAR
23. AS A PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AND JUST FOR SHATS AND GIGGLES NEIL HARTMANN IS FIRED...TONY KORNHEISER APPLES FOR THAT VACANTJOB BUT IS SPURNED
24. BRIAN BALDINGER GOES ON ANOTHER RANT AND EXPLAINING THEY WERE ALL HUGE FRAUDS AND THAT LESLIE GUDEL AND DEI LYNAM COVERED UP THEIR WEAKNESSES
Sunday, November 7 Indianapolis 4:15 p.m. WIN
Bottom line; It's hard to pick against Peyton Manning on National television. Still, as an Eagles fan this will be an important game to watch and measure against. Prediction: Eagles 23 Colts 30
1. HATE THIS GAME...FEAR OF THE MYTH...THE MAGIC...THE MAYHEM OF THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS...THE ARE THE EVIL EMPIRE
2. SCORE IS WRONG...MORE LIKE 28-27...YUP...A CLIFF DWELLERS AS RICHIE ASHBURN WOULD SAY...MISS YA RICHIE!
3. FANS PRESENTLY EMPOWERED BY THE PURGING OF THE MEDIA DEADWOOD ARE RABID IN A FRENZY OF SUPPORT OF THEIR TEAM...A RED SHIRTED STAUTE OF REID CONSTRUCTED OF BEER KEGS AND CANS IS BUILT IN THE LINC PARKING LOT...CLEAN-UP CREWS TRY TO REMOVE IT...FANS SET-UP A 24-7 WATCH
4. AT THE GAME MANY WEAR K. R. RULES ARM BANDS AND FAKE CROOKED PINKY FINGER GLOVES (SEE BALDY) SUPPORTING BALDY...RON BURKE WRESTLES A BEAR AT HALF TIME... WHY...HIS "Q" RATING WAS SO LOW HIS AGENT ENCOURAGED SOME ACT TO CREATE PUBLIC AWARENESS
5. WITHIN THE GAME BOTH DEFENSES HAVE HUGE IMPACTS...AT LEAST THREE OF THE SCORES ARE DEFENSIVE...GO D...GO D...GO D...FOKOU AFTER A SIMS HIT PICKS UP A FUMBLE AND ROMPS FOR A TD...DURING HIS TD CELEBRATION HE KICKS THE BALL AS IF IT WERE A SOCCER BALL...NFL LATER FINES HIM FOR PROMOTING THE WRONG FOOTBALL
6. MANNING IS RELENTLESSLY PRESSURED...THE FRONT FOUR WERE UNCOMPROMISING IN THE TENACITY...PEYTON TRIES TO SCRAMBLE...POOR DECISION...HE IS PUT OUT OF THE GAME...TEO HITS HIM SQUARE IN THE KISSER...BLOODY UGLY...LITERALLY...A FIGHT BREAKS OUT...SIX PLAYERS ARE DISQUALIFIED...FLAG FLY...FINES TO FOLLOW
7. THE COLTS HAD 27 POINTS AT THE TIME OF MANNING'S FACIAL...NO MORE ARE SCORED
8. SCOTT (RB) AND SCOTT (WR) EACH SCORE...HOLY SCOTT BATMAN WHO'D THUNK THAT?
9. BIRDS WIN UGLY...AGAIN, GET HORRIBLE PRESS AS A DIRTY TEAM...CATAPULTING FANSHIP...STUB HUB MAKES A FORTUNE...EAGLES TICKETS ARE SELLING FOR AMAZING PRICES...LOCAL SCALPERS PUT OUT A CONTRACT ON STUB HUB BUT NO ONE NEEDS AN EXTRA THIRTY-ONE DOLLARS
10. IN A TERSE AND TEARFUL DISCOURSE ARCHIE MANNING TELLS ESPN THAT HE HAS ALWAYS HATED THE BIRDS...RECALLS DIRTY WATTERS...MANNINGS' HOMES IS TPed AND EGGED...THEY GO INTO HIDING SOMEWHERE IN THE BAYOU...WILMA McNABB REACHES OUT TO ARCHIE ABOUT HER CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT...OFFERS HIM A PIECE OF THE ACTION...THEY ARE CONSIDERING...BUT THEY DO ENJOY THE LOCAL MUD-PUPPIES
11. AT THE POST-GAME PRESSER PEYTON VOWS REVENGE...NO ONE UNDERSTOOD BECAUSE OF HIS SWOLLEN LIPS...BROTHER ELI MANNING TELLS HIM HE HAS HIS BACK...BAD MOVE BABY ELI...EAGLES' D SNICKERS...THEY KNOW SOMETHING ELI DOESN'T KNOW
12. EAGLES MANAGEMENT HAS NO COMMENT...ADDS MORE SEATING CAPACITY
13. REID WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE MANNING TIFF, REPLIES, "TIME IS YOURS!"...DUH!
14. WINSTON JUSTICE IS GIVEN THREE NEW SUITS BY KOLB AS A THANK YOU...ANDREW IS GIVEN A WII...JACKSON WHO RETURNED IS GIVEN TICKETS TO DELAWARE STATE BASKETBALL...HERREMANN, A PORTRAIT OF HIMSELF...PETERS, THE KEYS TO A SEGUE... KOLB'S WIFE THROWS A FIT...SHE IS GIVEN A PRETTY PINK BOW BENEATH IT A LEXUS
Monday, November 15 at Washington 8:30 p.m. WIN
A great "bounce back" from. By this time, the Redskins will have a good idea if the McNabb trade was worth it. My prediction is that McNabb will not turn out to be the football savior that the Redskins were looking for. This game will further reaffirm that fact. Prediction Eagles 27 Redskins 7
1. THE FIRST GAME WAS CLOSE BUT THIS GAME IS A BLOW-OUT...SCORE IS RIGHTISH, 34-7
2. LATER McNABB IS CAUGHT BY PHONE CAM CALLING FOR HIS MOMMY...NOW, A YOUTUBE HIT...POST-CALL SHE PARKS HERSELF ON THE SKIN'S SIDELINES
3. McNABB IS AGAIN IS...SMACKED DOWN...SACKED...HIT LATE...CHASED OUT OF BOUNDS... FORCED TO SURRENDER...ULTIMATELY HE LEAVES GAME...TEO AGAIN...HE NAMED TEO-NO!...NICKNAMED DOES NOT LAST...BRAIN MITCHELL GIGGLES ON AIR.
4. GRAHAM HAS 2 SACKS...CREATES A NEW SACK DANCE...FLAPPING ARMS...T.O. SUES
5. MOMMA McNABB DEFENDS HER BOY...AFTER A BRUTAL SACK SHE RUNS ONTO THE FIELD AND JUMPS ON GRAHAM'S BACK...UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM HE FLIPS HER ONTO THE GROUND AND UNOFFICIALLY IS CREDITED WITH THREE McNABB SACKS FOR THE DAY
6. MACLIN AND INGRAM HAVE BIG GAMES...RIVER DANCE ON THE MEMORY OF THE HOGS
7. SAPP EMERGES AS A FORCE...HE LITERALLY FLIES OVER THE LINE TO BLOCK A FG
8. TREVARD LINDLEY IS AT CB...SHOWS STAR QUALITY...HUGE HANDS...PISSY 'TUDE
9. MIKE SHANNAHAN WHEN INTERVIEWED IS CURT ABOUT THE BIRD'S DIRTY PLAY...ASKES FOR LEAGUE INTERVENTION...SAL PAL WILL DO AN EDITORIAL SUPPORTING SHANNAHAN... REID WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE ISSUE IMPLIES THAT SHANNAHAN MAY BE OVER THE HILL...THE GAME HAS PASSED HIM BY...AND BY-THE-BY McNABB IS NOT ELWAY...HA-HA! REID GIVES ESKIN A BOX OF TISSUES TO RUN OVER TO SHANNAHAN
10. DAN SNYDER CALLS REID A BLIGHT ON THE GAME...THEN RUNS AND HIDES... FIGURES... RESPONDING TO THE WASHINGTON COMCAST, JOE BANNER GOES PUBLIC SAYING MY OWNER IS WORTH MORE THAN YOURS...HA-HA!...JEFF LURIE HAS NO COMMENT...SEEKING A NECKTIE THAT WORKS WITH A WRINKLED SHIRT...CHRISTINA LURIE WHEN QUERIED ABOUT WEALTH STATES..."WE'VE ENOUGH"..."WE'RE GREEN...YOU'RE NOT!"
11. ROGER GOODELL ASKS...NO...BEGS ALL PARTIES TO CEASE AND DESIST...YEAH, RIGHT!... SYNDER REACTS WITH, "THEY STARTED IT!" ROLLED HIS LIMO WINDOW BACK UP...EAGLE'S MANAGEMENT SNIGGERS AT HIS CHILDISHNESS, "WE'RE RUBBER AND YOUR GLUE..." ... THEN RECALLING HE CHARGED FANS TO VISIT SUMMER CAMP...NOT A HOG BUT A PIG...THROUGHOUT THIS HOWIE ROSEMAN POINTS OUT THAT JOE BANNER WOULD BE A BETTER COMMISSIONER...HISTORY WILL POINT OUT THAT BANNER SUCCEEDS GOODELL IN A SILENT COUP...IT AN ANTI-JERRY JONES MANEUVER...THE NFL GETS WEALTHIER AND STRONGER...BUT SADLY LURIE GROWS GLUM MISSING HIS FRIEND...SO THE NFL HEADQUARTERS MOVES TO PHILADELPHIA...HOUSED AT THE COMCAST BUILDING
12. ROSEMAN IS EVENTUALLY APPOINTED AS NEW EAGLES PRESIDENT... HE HIRES PAT CROCE
Sunday, November 21 NY Giants 8:20 p.m. WIN
This is a big-time NFC East game. Always a fan favorite, it seems that the Giants and Eagles bring the best out of each other, regardless of the season. This one will come down to the end with Philadelphia losing by under a touchdown. Prediction: Eagles 17 Giants 21
1. SCORE WRONG...30-10...BIRDS
2. THE TIME WAS AN EXAMPLE OF THE LEAGUE'S POOR PLANNING...FANS PARTIED ALL DAY...THE FEW GIANT FANS WHO TRAVELED TO THE LINC WERE CHASED HOME...ONE CAR OVER-TURNED BY A RADICAL GROUP OF MILITANT GRANNIES WITH GREEN PANTIES ON THEIR HEADS...LATER, THOSE GIANT FANS SUED THE EAGLES FOR LACK OF SECURITY...CASE WAS HEARD IN PHILLY...THE FANS LOST AND WERE CHASED ALONG WITH THEIR LAWYERS FROM THE CITY
3. KOLB WHILE ON PRESSURE OF A RUSH...SHOT A BEHIND THE BACK PASS TO VICK WHO RAMBLED TWENTY-SEVEN YARDS...OSI UMENYIORA WAS EMBARRASSED AND SLAPPED KOLB WHO WENT HILLBILLY ALL IN THE DE's FACE...FLAGGED...FINED...WOODSHED
4. WEAVER RESOLVED THE OSI ISSUE ON THE VERY NEXT PLAY BY UNINTENTIONALLY SUBMARINING THE MAN IN THE TWIG AND BERRIES ENDING HIS DAY AND POSTPONING HIS TRYST WITH A DANCER AT CLUB RISQUÉ THOUGH SHE STILL BILLED HIS VISA CARD
5. EAGLES DEFENSE UNLEASHES, STOPS RUN, 7 SACKS, 3 INTs, 2 FORCED FUMBLES, BOTH RECOVERED... BRADLEY WHISPERED TO ELI, WARNED YOU...MANNING KOed IN THE SECOND HALF BY A SIMS/SAPP SANDWICH WHILE MANNING WAS RUNNING FROM TEO B-BUSTER...THIS CAUSES AN EPIC BENCH CLEARING FIGHT TO ENSUE...10 DISQUALIFIED...FINES FOLLOWED
6. AS A SIDEBAR, TEO IS RECRUITED BY PAUL HOLMGREN TO PLAY FOR THE FLYERS...HE BUYS SKATES
7. ALL SCORES ARE BY AKERS...A NEW RECORD...10 FIELD GOALS...AT THE SEVEN MARK THE RECIEVERS AND RUNNERS WERE DROPPING TO THE GROUND AT THE ONE YARD LINE
8. GIANT'S BACK-UP QB GOES NO MASSE MODE...HE ACTS LIKE A BIG BABY...HIS LINEMEN WALK OFF PEEVED...REFUSE TO RETURN TO THE FIELD...THRID STINGER GETS THE CALL
9. AFTER THE CONTEST TOM COUGHLIN CALLS HIS PLAYERS CATS (USES THE DEROGATORY TERM)...HE IS FINED...SUSPENDED...HE QUITS...PUTS LINAMENT IN EVERY JOCKSTRAP ON THE WAY OUT...REID OFFERS HIM A JOB...BANNER DENIES THAT HAPPENED
10. LEAGUE APPOINTS AN AD HOC COMMITTEE TO INVESTIGATE THE BIRD'S DIRTY PLAY... KORNHEIZER APPLIES BUT IS REJECTED...JON GRUDEN CHAIRS THE GROUP...HOWIE LONG BALKS BUT ACCEPTS...THE RESULT OF THE COMMITTEE IS QUOTE, "BOYS WILL BE BOYS...BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET-OVER-IT"
11. ON THE POST-GAME LIVE SHOW...KATHY RAMANO HAPPENED TO WEAR A TOP WITH A DRAMATICALLY SCOOPING NECKLINE...GRANTED IT WAS FAR TOO REVEALING...BUT NOT AN INVITATION...THE CAMERAMAN MANAGED TO TAKE FAR TOO MANY CLOSE-UPS OF HER CLEAVAGE, ONLY...ON ONE BREAK SHE KICKED (KICKED) HIS ARSE OFF OF THE SET...THE CAMERA WAS FIXED FROM THAT POINT FORWARD VEIWING ALL FOUR...DAVE SPADARO ASKED IF SHE WANTED HIM TO SPIT ON THE CAMERAMAN
Sunday, November 28 at Chicago 1 p.m. WIN
The Chicago Bears, who went 7-9 in 2009, are turnover prone and erratic. This will play into the hands of an opportunistic Philadelphia defense. Expect a slug fest. Prediction: Eagles 17 Bears 10
1. SCORE WRONG...28-10...BIRDS
2. KOLB HAS 4 TDs...JACKSON (2)...CELEK...MACLIN...IRONICALLY, ALL 54 YARDS, HUH, URLACHER
3. REID HAS TWENTY DEEP DISH PIZZAS DELIEVERED AT THE START OF THE GAME...JEFF OWENS RUNS ONTO THE FIELD WITH A HALF-EATED SLICE AND ANOTHER IN HIS HELMET
4. FOUR TURN-OVERS ARE CREATED BY EAGLES DEFENSE...THEY PRESENTLY LEAD THE LEAGUE...TWO FUMBLES, FORCED AND RECOVERED BY PATERSON AND SIMS AND TWO INTs...BY SIMS AND SAMUELS...EACH RETURNED THIRTY YARDS
5. SLOBBER-KNOCKER SPECIAL TEAM HITS BECOME INSTANT YOUTUBE MOST WATCHED...ONE CARTED OFF BEAR HAD ACTUALLY PISSED HIS PANTS, IN A SPONTANEOUS HIT/PISS MOMENT WAS CAUGHT ON FILM...LINDLEY KNOCKED PEE OUT OF HIM...LAUGHED...FLAGGED FOR TAUNTING... FINED...WOODSHED
6. JASON AVANT IS HURT AND IS REPLACED BY RILEY COOPER WHO HAS 5 CATCHES... HE TWEETS TEBOW DURING GAME...NEWS OF THIS GETS OUT AND HE IS FINED...THE ITTY BITTY T*TT** COMMITTEE OF SIXTY-NINE, A WOMAN'S GROUP THAT SUPPORTS ALL THINGS RILEY SCOTT, PAY THE FINE...HE IS HIRED BY THEM TO POSE SHIRTLESS FOR THEIR CALENDER...HE IS FEATURED EVERY MONTH
7. EALIER IN THE WEEK, OUT OF FEAR FOR THE TEAM'S SAFETY, MIKE SINGLETARY AND DICK BUTKUS CO-AUTHOR AN OP-ED PIECE ABOUT VIOLENCE IN SPORT...COPIES ARE SENT TO REID WHO HAS THEM CUT UP AND ROLLED AS IF TP AND RETURNED TO SINGLETARY...IMPLYING HE'LL BE SHATTING HIMSELF...ANDY THAT WAS RUDE...BUT A GOOD ONE!
8. JAY CUTLER IS SMACKED INTO A FOGGY STATE...HE IS WALKED OFF THE FIELD...THE GAME IS LATER CALLED BY HUGH DOUGLAS THE REVENGE OF THE FOG BOWL
9. BRIAN URLACHER TRIES TO GO MACHO...MACHO HARRIS GOES RAMBO/ROCKY ALL OVER HIS HEAD ...IN PHILADELPHIA AT EVERY BAR SONG SPONTANEOUSLY ERUPTS, MACHO, MACHO MAN...! BOTH SUSPENDED...URLACHER HAS WHAT SEEMS TO BE ROID RAGE...WHICH RESULTS IN HIM GETTING A CUP TO FILL-WEEKLY ...LATER IN THE WEEK URLACHER TWEETS HE IS OFFERING MONETARY BOUNTIES ON THE HEADS OF ANY EAGLE
10. GOODELL RESIGNS...BANNER SLIDES IN...ROGER GOES ONTO A CAREER MODELING SUITS
11. AMY FADOOL WANTS TO JOIN THE COMMITTEE OF SIXTY-NINE BUT IS DENIED FOR THEY HAVE A DEEP WAITING LIST AND THEY ONLY KEEP SIXTY-NINE MEMBERS...INSTEAD SHE DATED RILEY... LUCKY MAN...JOHN BORUK WHO HAS A SECRET CRUSH ON AMY SULKS AND THE CLOTHES HORSE PLACATES HIMSELF WITH A NEW SUIT AND VEST
Thursday, December 2 Houston 8:20 p.m. WIN
The Houston Texans seem to always be one or two games away from a breakthrough season. Expect more of the same. Houston has weapons, but Philadelphia has more. Prediction: Eagles 31 Texans 24
1. SCORE IS PSEUDO-CORRECT ... 38-4...YUP TWO SAFETIES
2. KOLB A HOUSTON NATIVE, IN FRONT OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY THROWS FOR THREE TDs...WEAVER...INGRAM...COOPER...THE TOTAL RAC (RUN AFTER CATCH) IS THREE TO THE FOURTH, I.E., 81 YARDS SURPASSING McNABB'S BEST EVER RAC...THEY ATE CORN AND STEAKS POST-GAME
3. AVANT IS BACK BUT IS PLATOONED WITH R. COOPER...COOPER IS GAINING A CULT FOLLOWING... MORE AND MORE FEMALES ARE ATTENDING GAMES AND AFTER EVERY CATCH HE MAKES HAVE A CHEER AND CHANT THAT ENDS WITH THEM FLASHING GREEN BRAS...REID LIKES AND REFINES GAME WITH COOPER AS A TARGET MORE OFTEN
4. HOUSTON'S DEFENSE IS INEFFECTIVE...AND INJURIES ARE BEING FEIGNED
5. EAGLES DEFENSE IS FAIR, UNTIL, BUNKLEY BLOWS UP THE LINE, HURLING THE CENTER INTO THE AIR KNOCKING DOWN THE QUARTERBACK...STRONGMAN JEFF OWENS LEARNS THE MOVE...LATER IN THE WEEK OWENS SIGNED UP TO COMPETE IN THE STRONGMAN COMPETITION
6. RON JAWORSKI IS FIRED...JON GRUDEN REPLACES HIM...RON APOLOGIZES...JON SMIRKS
7. AL MICHAELS IS DISSED BY GRUDEN AND AL QUITS ON AIR...RATINGS IMMEDIATELY RISE
8. KORNHEIZER APPLIES...BUT IS DENIED AN INTERVIEW...MICHAEL BARKANN DOES PLAY-BY FOR ONE GAME BUT RE-INJURES HIS VOCAL CORD...DLed AGAIN
9. IN A SURPRISE MOVE REID ANNOUNCES THAT HE WILL BE RUNNING FOR MAYOR OF PHILADELPHIA...THE ELECTION IS CANCELLED...REID IS ELECTED BY UNANIMOUS ACCLAIMATION... HE APPOINTS HUGH DOUGLAS POLICE COMMISSIONER...CRIME RATE IMMEDIATELY DROPS WHEN DOUGLAS DECLARES THE CITY IS A "NO CRIME ZONE...K!" ...HOWARD ESKIN IS APPOINTED TO STREET COMMISION AND HAS MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED...AND NO ONE IS PRESENTLY SEARCHING FOR HIM...RILEY SCOTT WAS APPOINTED DUDE IN CHARGE OF ALL PARTIES WHICH WAS A NEW CABINET POSITION...ON ANOTHER FRONT, PAT'S AND GENO'S IN CELEBRATION OF REID'S ELECTION GIVE OUT FREE CHEESE STEAKS...IT IS REPORTED THAT REID HAD SEVEN...THAT REPORTER WOULD BE PUSHING A SLED OUT OF TOWN...COINDENCE OR NOT...RHEA HUGHES LEAVES PHILLIE FOR HAWAII....BUT STILL CALLS IN TO WIP...EACH TIME THE RATING DROP...CATALDI ENCOURAGES HER TO CALL MIKE MISSANELLI...MISSANELLI DENIES HE'S GAY SUPPORTING HUMOR
10. KORNHEIZER APPLIES FOR HUGH'S JOB...WIP LAUGHES
Sunday, December 12 at Dallas 8:20 p.m. WIN
There are few teams if any that garner more hatred from the Philadelphia fans than the dreaded Dallas Cowboys. This is a revenge game for Philly. "Fly Eagles fly" in the big Dallas dome. Prediction: Eagles 27 Cowboys 24
1. SCORE CORRECT...SORTA...27-6
2. REVENGE IS AN APT DESCRIPTOR...THE BREW OF PAY-BACK BUBBLED ALL WEEK
3. MARION BARBER PULLS UP LAME ON FIRST PLAY...LEAVES
4. TASHARD CHOICE TAKES A LOW PASS FROM TONY ROMO OFF THE FOOT BREAKING A TOE...LEAVES
5. JASON WITTEN REPEATEDLY GETS UNCLEATED BY SIMS AND BRADLEY...DROPS SEVEN BALLS
6. MILES AUSTIN CATCHES ONE SCREEN FOR A MINUS THREE YARDS
7. ROMO SCRAMBLES ALL DAY AND LEADS THE TEAM IN RUSHING YARDS...UNTIL...ROMO IS KNOCKED OUT...ACTUALLY UNCONSCIOUS...JERRY JONES IS SEEN UPENDING A TABLE...AS A FOOTNOTE TO THIS INCIDENT, REID IS CALLED TO LEAGUE'S HDQs, TOLD TO EASE UP...BANNER WINKED
8. THE BACK-UP LEFT THE GAME WITH AN ODD BROWN SPOT ON THE SEAT OF HIS PANTS
9. THREE BIRDS ARE FLAGGED AND EVENTUALLY FINED FOR UNSPORTSMAN PLAY...THEY WERE...STACY ANDREWS, QUINTIN DEMPS, AND KING DUNLAP...SURPRISINGLY ALL FINED PLAYERS WERE OVERPAID BY THE BIRDS (I.E., WESTBROOK) AND THE TEAM DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT
10. THE HERO OF THE GAME IS KOLB...HE CATCHES A TD...AND RUNS TWO IN (31 AND 47 YARDS) HE BEING A FOVORITE SON OF TEXAS AND THEY LOVE HIM
11. THE BIRDS BECOME AN ICONIC FOR DIRTY...THIS PROPELLS THEM AS THE SENTIMENTAL FAVORITE ...THEY ARE THE EVERYMAN...JOE BAG OF DONUTS...WALT WALK THE DOG...AVERAGE JOHN
12. J. JONES RANTS...COMPLAINS...WHINES...WAILS...AND MEDIA TURNS ON HIM...OUCH...THERE IS A GRASSROOT CAMPAIGN TO BOYCOTT THE SUPER BOWL...FANS START WEBSITES TO SUPOORT NOT ATTENDING THE GAME...CREDITORS BELIEVE THE HYPE...JONES HAS CASH FLOW ISSUES AND THE BANK IS THREATENING FORECLOSURE
13. DAVE SPADARO IS BARRED FROM THE STADIUM
14. MILITANT EAGLE FANS RENT A HELICOPTER AND SPRAY PAINT "EAGLES FLY" ON THE ROOF AND WALLS OF THE DALLAS DOME...JONES CAN'T AFORD TO HAVE IT POWER WASHED...HE FORCES WADE PHILLIPS TO JOIN HIMSELF, STEPHEN JONES, JERRY JONES, JR., CHARLOTTE JONES ANDERSON TO ERADICATE THE GRAFFITI...PHILLIPS BULKS BUT JONES POINTS TO AN EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE CLAUSE IN WADE'S CONTRACT...WADE OVERHAULS-UP AND IS BOOMED OUT TO SPRAY
Sunday, December 19 at NY Giants 1 p.m. WIN
Expect the Eagles to avenge their November 21ST loss. This is a game where WR DeSean Jackson further separates himself from the pack. The Giants will not have an answer. Prediction: Eagles 33 Giants 20
1. UGLY GAME...10-7...SNOW STORM...SNOWS THE ENTIRE GAME
2. GAME IS TITLED THE GREAT WHITE-OUT RUNNING WAR (MORGANTI)
3. FUMBLE AFTER FUMBLE MARE THIS CONTEST
4. THE GAME IS WON BY A KOLB SCRAMBLE...WHODA THUNK THAT
5. MANNING LIMPS OFF AGAIN...TEO IS SUSPENDED ONE GAME FOR A WWF BODY SLAM...SAPP IS GIVEN ONE GAME LATE HIT, SHOULDER TO THE JOHNSON...AND BUCKLEY ONE GAME FOR A DROP ELBOW TO THE CHEST WHICH CAUSED A BOOGEY TO FLY AND STRIKES THE GIANTS NEW HEAD COACH, RICH KOTITE, FALLING ON HIS CLIPBROAD CONFUSING HIM FROM THAT POINT ON (DUH!)
6. THE STANDS TURN INTO A HUGE FIGHT WHICH IS SHOWN ON EVERY TV NETWORK AND THE BIRDS VILLIANIZED...BUT AFTER A FURTHER STUDY BY BO WULF EVERY FIGHT WAS PRECIPITATED BY A GIANT'S FAN...TAPE WAS SENT TO LEAGUE OFFICE...WARRANTS FOR ARREST WILL FOLLOW
7. THE MANNING WIVES TWEET THAT ALL NFL QBs PLAYING THE BIRDS SHOULD UP THEIR INSURANCE ...CUED BY THE MANNINGS...POLICIES WERE CANCELLED
8. MID-GAME WILMA McNABB BLOGS, DON'T WORRY GIANT FANS...WE'LL SOME HAVE THEIR ARSES IN SLING...EARLIER THAT WEEK THE CASE WAS ASSIGNED TO JUDGE "MIDGE" RENDELL, THE GOV'S WIFE...THE McNABBS BELEIVED THAT SHE HELD SYMPATHY FOR THEIR CAMP...IN LIEU OF THAT INFOMATION ADDITIONAL LAW SUITS WERE FILED ALL HOPING TO RIDE THE WAVE
9. AROUND THE LEAGUE QBs HAD SUFFERED FROM THE BIRD FLU...SICK FOR THE BIRDS FLU...SICK OF THE BIRDS FLU 2...AND ONE FLU OF THE CUCKOO'S NEST
Sunday, December 26 Minnesota 1 p.m. WIN
I'm going out on a limb and saying that Brett Favre will not be the quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings by the time this game arrives. The Eagles will be focused and ready for the post-season. QB Kevin Kolb, and WR Jeremy Macklin, are emerging stars. Prediction: Eagles 23 Vikings 17
1. SCORE CORRECT...NEITHER TEAM NEEDS THIS SO BOTH EASE OFF THE GAS..PLAY BACK-UPS...MATIDOR AND I GOT HIM YOU TAKE HIM DEFENSE
2. FAVRE IS PROTECTED BENEATH A BALL CAP...AS A FOOTNOTE, HE WILL BE KNOCKED OUT IN THE PLAY-OFFS...BY THE BIRDS...NATURALLY
3. ALL TD SCORES COME ON RUNS BY TIGHT ENDS
4. BRAD CHILDRESS WINKS AT THE POST GAME INTERVIEWS...REID WINKS BACK...THEY ARE LATER SEEN SHARING RIBS TOGETHER
5. AFTER THE CONTEST SAL PAL INSISTS THAT MINNESOTA THREW THE GAME LETTING THE EAGLES WIN...HE WANTS THE LEAGUE TO INVESTIGATE...SAL PAL IS SUBSEQUENTLY BARRED BY COMMISSIONER BANNER FROM ALL NFL VENUES CALLING HIM A CONTROVERSY MONGER...HE PLANS ON SUING...BUT NO LAWYER WILL TAKE THE CASE ON A CONTINGENCY...CHEAP SOB!
Sunday, January 2 Dallas 1 p.m. WIN
The Cowboys will come into Philadelphia with something to prove. WR Austin Miles and RB Marion Barber will prove to be too much for the Eagles. We'll end the season on a sour note, but we'll be rested and ready come Playoffs time. Prediction: Eagles 20 Cowboys 24
1. HUGE BEYOND HUGE REVENGE GAME FOR BOTH SIDES...BOYS NEED IT TO GET INTO THE PLAYOFFS...HA...IRONY...PHILADELPHIA WANTS IT FOR THE UNDEFEATED SEASON AND THEIR FANS...REID WANTS THE I-TOLD-YOU-SO MOMENT...AND ROMO WANTS IT OVER
2. FROM THE KICK OFF, THE BIRDS PLACE ONE HUGE SPIKED BOOT ON THE NECK OF THE NOW COWGALS AND PRESS DOWN...CHOKING OFF ANY CHANCE TO WIN
3. SCORE IS 27-7...AND THE GAME WAS NEVER THAT CLOSE
4. BACK-UPS SCORE...INGRAM (2) AND CLAY HARBOR (2)...SAPP TRYING TO BE A KICKER MISSES AN EXTRA POINT...THE TEAM NEEDED A BACK-UP...AKERS WAS IN WASHINGTON D.C. AT A MANDATED MEETING...SAPP WENT 3-4...NOT TO SHABBY
5. KOLB THROWS FOR JUST SHY OF 5000 YARDS ON THE SEASON...SMOKES ROMO, MANNING, AND McNABB BY FIFTEEN FOOTBALL FEILDS EACH
6. McNABB IS FINALLY PROVEN TO BE A FARCE ONLY MADE RELEVENT BECAUSE OF REID'S SYSTEM AND GREAT DEFENSES...H.O.F. POSSIBILITIES SLIP...McNABB WHINES PUBLICLY AND HIS MOTHER BASHES REPORTERS FOR HURTING HER BABY BOY...SHE TREATENS TO SUE EVERYONE...POOR WOMAN!
7. JERRY JONES PUBLICLY CONFRONTS ANDY REID...PUSHES HIM...TAKES A SWING AT HIM...REID HURLS HIM OVER A PRESS TABLE...JONES THREATENS TO SUE...WILMA SCREAMS CLASS ACTION...THAT UGLY SCENE IS SHOWN ALL OVER EVERY MEDIA SOURCE
8. JONES IS FINED 1 MILLION DOLLARS...MONEY HE DOES NOT HAVE...HE TREATENS TO TAKE HIS STADIUM AND GO HOME...POOR SPORT!
9. JONES IS FORCED TO FILE FOR BANRUPTCY PROTECTION...OUCH!
10. THE SUPER BOWL IS MOVED IN THE GREAT BIRDING OF JERRY JONES...HELD ON A SATURDAY...ABOUT TIME
11. REID IS SUSPENDED FOR 3 GAMES...MISSES THE SUPER BOWL...BIRDS WIN...A STATUE IS PLANNED IN PHILLIE FOR HIM TO REPLACE THE STILL STANDING BEER MONUMENT.
12. AS A NOTENOTE, GENO'S ADDS MARINARA TO ITS SUPER-SIZED CHEESE STEAK AND RENAMES IT THE BIG RED...PAT'S COUNTERS WITH A VERSION OF THE DIRTY BIRD...A CHICKEN CHEESE STEAK
When all is said and done, I have the Philadelphia Eagles going 16-0 (CHANGED) and making the playoffs.
Birds put a record setting 17 players in the pro bowl, none play...why...Super Bowl Baby!
If you are a fan of humorous writings such as what is posted above, check out the zany stylings of Dona Penza Tattle's and Wrye Balderdash's aka Angelica Hart and Zi newest series at angelicahartandzi.com
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